The Legend of Billie Jean (1985)

Directed by Matthew Robbins

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore Action)

Helen Slater, better known as Supergirl, becomes a teen hero when she goes on the lam with Christian Slater and Yeardley Smith, better known as Lisa Simpson. She cuts her hair and becomes Billy Idol, no Pat Benatar, no, no Joan of Arc, yeah Joan of Arc! Teenage girls begin to idolize her and cut their hair too. All she wants is the money to repair her brother's scooter, after all "fair is fair". Bumper stickers and t-shirts are sold with the slogan as they become more famous. It's too innocent to be taken seriously: people are shot in the shoulder and there are toy guns. It's like a PG rated True Romance. Some of the dialogue is cringe-inducing, though it may work on a "so bad it's good" level.

Mummy's Boys (1936)

Directed by Fred Guiol

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Wheeler and Woolsey romp around an old Egyptian set in one of their better comedies. Two ditch diggers volunteer for a scientific expedition to Cairo to dig up an old tomb. Instead, they get mixed up in murder and curses. It's really just a series of sketches by the comedy duo, some better than others. My favorite bit is the "crow flies" and tattooed map.

My Man and I (1952)

Directed by William A. Wellman

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Ricardo Montalban is a Mexican laborer and newly legalized American citizen who speaks in an irritating broken English though he is obviously much smarter. For some reason he falls in love with Shelley Winters, a depressing wino, and he goes to great length to get her money though he knows she will just drink it away. Montalban is eventually framed for a crime he did not commit, but he has faith that the American justice system will prevail. He is convicted and sent to jail, but his friends decide that camping outside his accusers' house will get them to admit they lied on the stand. "Stormy Weather" plays again and again and again...

The Deadly Trackers (1973)

Directed by Barry Shear, Samuel Fuller

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore Westerns)

Samuel Fuller wrote and partially directed this violent western. Richard Harris is the sheriff of a small Texas town who has put down his guns in favor of a non-violent life. When a group of outlaws kills his wife and child, he changes his ways and tracks them deep into Mexico. Choo Choo has a foot long piece of iron railroad track for a hand and likes to smash watermelons with it. Schoolboy likes to use a knife and has the mental capacity of a 5-year-old, though he gets killed fairly early. The main antagonist is played by Rod Taylor, who is sadistic and intelligent. It is these characterizations, and more, that make the film very watchable despite its tendency to overemphasize the violence.

Tarzan's Peril (1951)

Directed by Byron Haskin
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Lex Barker programmer about gunrunners in the jungle. It is partially shot on location in Africa, but most scenes are still studio-bound. It inexplicably includes some fantasy elements: a horribly done giant fake snake and giant plants that wrap up Tarzan and an elephant. The final scene in the movie is Cheeta belching, which is indicative of the overall level of intelligence.

Dream Lover (1986)

Directed by Alan J. Pakula
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Director Alan J. Pakula and cinematographer Sven Nykvist, two masters of their craft, create a Hitchcock and Nightmare on Elm Street hybrid film. Kristy McNichol is well-cast and gives a great performance, maybe the best I've seen from her. Nykvist's cinematography is precise and lush, taking many cues from his days with Ingmar Bergman. The main problem is the story. I actually stayed with it for most of the film, but after the "dream rape" sequence it lost all credibility in my eyes. McNichol was forced to literally sleepwalk through the last 15 minutes and the ending just collapsed into cliche. It's not a disaster, but one gets the feeling it could have been much more.

TerrorVision (1986)

Directed by Ted Nicolaou

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(MGMHD)

TerrorVision is perhaps the quintessential 80s horror comedy. It's got a slime monster, a girl with big hair and Madonna gloves, and a metal dude in studs. It's played mostly for laughs, and that makes the sub par special effects and ridiculous plot somewhat acceptable. I particularly liked the metal dude, OD, played by Jon Gries, who would be right at home in Spinal Tap.

Incident on a Dark Street (1973)

Directed by Buzz Kulik

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Made-for-TV movie of lawyers at the US Department of Justice going after mobsters and dealers. Richard Castellano gives the best performance as the brother of a murdered mobster turned reluctant stool pigeon. Kathleen Lloyd is also good in a minor role as the wife of the suspected heroin dealer. However, it's all pretty dull and dated.

Orphans (1987)

Directed by Alan J. Pakula

My rating: 3.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Powerhouse drama is a tour de force for Albert Finney and his two costars. Matthew Modine is the older brother forced into a life of petty theft to support himself and his brother who were abandoned by their parents. They live in a bleak, rundown house in Newark, New Jersey. The paint is peeling, garbage is everywhere and they live on tuna and peanut butter. Modine is a live wire, his emotions completely out of control and prone to violence. He dominates the younger brother, played by Kevin Anderson, convincing him that if he leaves the house he will die from an allergic reaction. It's a fascinating relationship. Enter Albert Finney, a drunk gangster that was supposed to be a victim but instead turns out to have a stabilizing effect on the two brothers. Finney is perfectly cast and this is perhaps is best performance. He manages to win the respect, and eventually love, of both brothers by a combination of cold discipline and warm outreach. The house gradually undergoes a transformation, mirroring the lives of its inhabitants. We are never quite sure what Finney does for a living, only that it involves large sums of cash in briefcases, the assumption being it is connected to the Chicago underworld. It all comes crashing down in the violent yet inevitable ending. My only criticisms would be a somewhat stagebound feel and some overacting on the part of Anderson.

Genesis II (1973)

Directed by John Llewellyn Moxey

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Post-Star Trek Gene Roddenberry story about a man who wakes up in the future after a suspended animation experiment fails. The post-nuke civilization resembles the Roman Empire, complete with togas and slavery. A revolution is brewing led by the Pax, a group descended from scientists who are trying to preserve ancient culture while freeing the slaves. Alex Cord and his moustache star as the "man from the past". Mariette Hartley and her two navels are the love interest and sympathiser to the cause.

Kismet (1944)

Directed by William Dieterle

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Ridiculous Hollywood hokum set in "old Baghdad". A beggar disguised as a prince and a prince disguised as a gardener's son each fall in love with women who would otherwise be out of reach. The plot is tiresome and confusing, the sets magnificent and gauche. Marlene Dietrich adds new meaning to the phrase "a girl with golden legs" while playing an Arabian princess with a thick German accent.

A Walk with Love and Death (1969)

Directed by John Huston

My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Lyrical film of young man who leaves a war-ravaged village to walk to the sea. Along the way, he meets and falls in love with Anjelica Huston. Their idyllic love is contrasted to the cruelty of war. A simple yet compelling film with authentic medieval atmosphere and music. There is an obvious parallel to the "make love not war" peace movement of the late 60s.

Fitzwilly (1967)

Directed by Delbert Mann

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Dick Van Dyke plays a butler who steals from department stores (mainly) to keep his employer, a senile old lady, living in luxury. He's got the entire household helping him plan and execute elaborate thefts, including the big one on Christmas Eve at Gimbel's. Barbara Feldon is the love interest who figures out what they are doing but ends up joining them. I didn't really buy into the motivation and it tends to emphasize the greedy side of Christmas.

David Copperfield (1969)

Directed by Delbert Mann

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

A rare case of a film following a book a little too closely. There are so many characters coming and going that it is nearly impossible to figure out motivations, relationships, sometimes even names. An awkward framing device doesn't help. Nonetheless, some good performances are buried in here: Laurence Olivier's Mr. Creakle and Ron Moody's Uriah Heep in particular. However, Robin Phillips' performance as David Copperfield is low key and stultifying.

One-Trick Pony (1980)

Directed by Robert M. Young

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Paul Simon basically plays himself in a film examining aging musicians, life on the road and selling out to top 40 radio. The music by Simon is good, but ironically the brief glimpse of a young B-52s had me wishing for more of them rather than Simon and band. The film as a whole is rather depressing, and Simon has a limited emotional range.

Blackwell's Island (1939)

Directed by William C. McGann

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Stanley Fields is 'Bull' Bransom, a mobster operating a protection racket on the New York waterfront. He's more like a big kid, playing with model trains and there is a running gag with exploding cigars. John Garfield is a newspaper reporter who exposes him to the public. Bull is arrested and sent to an island prison. However, not much changes as Bull completely takes over the prison: the hospital ward becomes a gambling hall, he takes boat rides to the city, etc. Garfield gets himself arrested to enter the prison and expose the corruption.

Return to Macon County (1975)

Directed by Richard Compton

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore Action)

Nick Nolte and Don Johnson drive a souped-up yellow Chevy around rural Georgia and get into trouble. They cheat to beat the locals in a drag race, resulting in fights and long chases. They pick up a crazy waitress with a fetish for guns and a sweet cheerleader. The police are on their trail as well. It's all very predictable but fun, with a good 50s soundtrack.

Frontier Fugitives (1945)

Directed by Harry L. Fraser

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore Westerns)

Tex Ritter stars in this low budget western. The skeletal plot involves some hidden furs and there are many fake Indians. It's mostly an excuse for some poorly staged brawling and endless shootouts. Tex sings a couple of songs which are the highlight of the film.

Oxford Blues (1984)

Directed by Robert Boris

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Rob Lowe is an obnoxious American who hustles his way into Oxford to meet pretty British royalty Amanda Pays. It's a "fish out of water" story with all the obvious cliches. Rowing is used to build character and add tension. A big finale is as sterile as it is predictable. Ally Sheedy is miscast as an obnoxious American girl also at Oxford. It's just one big vanity project for Lowe. Good location photography is the only saving grace.

Bad Men of Missouri (1941)

Directed by Ray Enright

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Cliche-ridden western punctuated by comedy bits that don't work. Warner scores this one like a Looney Tune, cuing up "pop goes the weasel" whenever something is supposed to be funny, but is only annoying. The ensemble cast is fine, but the script routine. The Younger brothers rob banks, then give the money to farmers to pay off their mortgages (see "Wisdom" from 1986). Jesse James even gets involved. The evil banker and his henchmen sheriff get their dues in the end.

The Two Little Bears (1961)

Directed by Randall Hood

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

A cast of TV pro's do their best in this juvenile Shaggy Dog copy. Eddie Albert is the father and Jane Wyatt the mother of two small boys and a teenage daughter. The setting is Halloween, and the boys wear bear costumes. One of them is played by Butch Patrick, several years before he was Eddie Munster. They meet up with a gypsy, who convinces them they can become real bears with a little salve and hocus pocus. The salve comes courtesy of the teenage daughter, played by a miscast Brenda Lee. She can't act worth a darn, has a heavy southern slur unlike anyone else in the family and sings a couple of songs that are hilariously awful. The boys become bears, get captured by forest rangers and are set free in the wilderness. They meet a grown female bear who teaches them to hibernate. This one falls squarely in the "so bad it's good" category.

The Secret of Convict Lake (1951)

Directed by Michael Gordon

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Glenn Ford and Gene Tierney lead a good ensemble cast in this little sleeper from Fox. Six escaped convicts brave a blizzard and arrive half starved at a mining camp populated only by women. They talk their way into shelter and food, but these women are tough and keep them at bay with guns. It turns out that the convicts are not here by accident, as one of them is looking for a stash of loot as well as revenge.

Sunday in New York (1963)

Directed by Peter Tewksbury

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Tame early 60s sex comedy with a young and vivacious Jane Fonda. It never quite gets away from its stage origins, with most of the film taking place in Cliff Robertson's bachelor pad. However, there is some good mistaken identity situation comedy towards the end. Overall, a breezy, entertaining way to spend a Sunday, even in New York.

Wisdom (1986)

Directed by Emilio Estevez

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Emilio Estevez can't get a job because of a prior felony. He decides to become a modern Robin Hood by holding up banks...not for the money but to burn mortgages. Girlfriend Demi tags along for the ride. They go cross country on their quest to save America's farmers from the evil banking system. Eventually the violence, and the FBI, catch up with them. Don't worry, it's all just a dream Emilio had in the bathtub one morning. Outrageously ridiculous plot is hard to take seriously. A much better rendering of a similar story was done in 1973's Badlands, with Martin Sheen and Sissy Spacek in Emilio and Demi's roles.

Best of the Badmen (1951)

Directed by William D. Russell
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Robert Ryan is a Union officer who captures a gang of outlaws shortly after the end of the Civil War. He takes them back to Missouri and gets them all released after they pledge loyalty to the Union. A corrupt detective, who wants the reward money for the outlaws, goes after them as well as Ryan. This forces him to join the gang and go on the lam. This fast paced western is probably Ryan's best. Walter Brennan is excellent as always.

Island in the Sky (1938)

Directed by Herbert Leeds
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Talky murder mystery set in New York City. Gloria Stuart is a District Attorney's secretary who digs deeper into the case of a convicted murderer on death row. Convinced he's innocent, she uncovers the real killer. The "island in the sky" is a 70th floor restaurant, but other than some elevator hi jinks the unusual setting adds nothing to the film.

Just the Way You Are (1984)

Directed by Edouard Molinaro
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Kristy McNichol, who wears a leg brace, wants to know what it's like to live a "normal" life. She convinces a doctor to give her a cast and she takes off to a French ski resort. It's more or less an excuse to sleep with as many people as possible. There is dancing to bad 80s music.

Min and Bill (1930)

Directed by George Hill
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Min and Bill are proprietors of a dockside hotel and bar in California. They have a rough and tumble relationship and drink a lot. A girl who was abandoned by her mother works for them, and Min thinks of her as a daughter though she won't admit it. The police show up after a rowdy incident and threaten to take the girl away if they don't send her to school. She becomes a "lady" and returns years later to marry a wealthy man. Only problem is her real mother discovers what's happening and threatens to ruin everything. Min's motherly instincts won't let that happen. Good location shooting and performances all around.

Purple Hearts (1984)

Directed by Sidney J. Furie
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

A competent Vietnam war drama ruined by a sweet and sticky love story between a combat doctor and nurse. The double twist ending is ludicrous. If you are female, your sentiments are likely to be exactly opposite of mine.

Yogi's First Christmas (1980)

Directed by Roy Patterson

My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Long, episodic, made-for-TV Christmas movie featuring Hanna-Barbera's popular gang of Jellystone Park characters. The voices are familiar, but the plot is too thin to sustain a movie nearly 2 hours long. Yogi and friends try their hand at every conceivable winter sport: ski jumping, ice skating, cross country skiing, even ice fishing. There are numerous musical interludes. A bratty kid named Snively and an old Hermit named Herman try to ruin Christmas for everyone else.

Yes, Giorgio (1982)

Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Pavarotti plays basically himself in this inferior romance. I only hope he was not really like the character: egotistical, self-centered, womanizing, spoiled, immature.... but yes, he can sing. If you think food fights between grown adults is funny then this is your movie. I thought maybe the final opera at the Met featuring a large mechanical dragon was a joke, but it really is an opera.

Woman Obsessed (1959)

Directed by Henry Hathaway

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Exciting melodrama set in the Canadian wilderness. Susan Hayward loses her husband in a wildfire. She hires handyman Stephen Boyd to work the farm. He lives out in the barn for awhile, but eventually they marry. Many trials and tribulations follow: a blizzard, a thunderstorm, a raging river and a mudpit. The marriage suffers similar ups and downs. None of it is ever quite believable, but it has a way of drawing you in.

Rolling Thunder (1977)

Directed by John Flynn

My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore Mystery)

Influential film for all Tarantino-ites, it's another audience manipulation piece in the vein of Death Wish. William Devane returns to a heroes welcome after being imprisoned and tortured in Vietnam. He has trouble adjusting to home life, especially when his wife wants a divorce. Mexican bad guys break into his house to get his honorary silver dollars, killing his wife and son, and mangling his hand in the garbage disposal. He recovers, and goes after the killers, with a brand new hook hand. It all unravels in a bloody shootout at a Mexican whorehouse. Paul Schrader revisits some of the themes from Taxi Driver, which this film strongly echoes.

Heaven with a Barbed Wire Fence (1939)

Directed by Ricardo Cortez
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Glenn Ford rides the freight trains west from New York City, teaming up along the way with a young girl and seasoned hobo. He teaches them how to get free meals and hop on the trains. The police finally catch up to the girl, who is an illegal immigrant, forcing a marriage to keep her in the country. When they finally reach their dream ranch in Arizona, it turns out to be a run down shack. Don't worry, this is depression era Hollywood and there is a happy ending. Forgettable fluff written by Dalton Trumbo.

Born to Be Bad (1950)

Directed by Nicholas Ray

My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Nicholas Ray's film is populated with bad people doing bad things. Joan Fontaine is the sweet cousin who really has an eye on Zachary Scott's money. About the only person more egotistical and selfish than her is author Robert Ryan, and they can't keep their hands off each other. It's hard to find someone to root for, but fun to watch Fontaine play the cold, smiling Christabel.

Viva Cisco Kid (1940)

Directed by Norman Foster

My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Cesar Romero is the Mexican hero and lover. He is falsely accused of robbing a stagecoach, and goes on the lam with sidekick Gordito. The real man behind the crime runs a mine and likes to play practical jokes. One long scene at the dinner table has so many gags it almost turns into a Three Stooges short. Cisco and friends get trapped in a mine, but a rabbit shows them the way out.

The Young Stranger (1957)

Directed by John Frankenheimer

My rating: 3.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

One of the best "juvenile delinquency" movies to come out of the 50s. James MacArthur is a wisecracking 16-year-old who's mouth gets him in trouble with a movie theater manager. He's hauled off to the police department after throwing a punch. The police are biased because they think he is a spoiled Beverly Hills rich kid. His relationship with his father, a famous movie producer, is strained to say the least. His mother is sympathetic but also having second thoughts about her marriage. The relationships are allowed to stretch out and even by today's standards seem real. The final scene which vindicates the son and exposes the shortcomings of his father is particularly well done. Kim Hunter and James Daly are superb in their roles.

Diary of the Dead (1976)

Directed by Arvin Brown
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(VHS, Vista Home Video)

Stan is a middle-aged, balding, unemployed, childless man living with his wife and mother-in-law. He fights with his neighbor and hangs out at the local bar, whose bartender seems to be the only one who understands him. He is tempted to murder his mother-in-law to get her money, but resists. One day her friend dies a natural death in his living room and he decides to switch identities and murder her. Only problem is the mother-in-law accidentally dies. Here in lies the main problem with the movie: he never commits murder. The only thing he is really guilty of is hiding a corpse and switching identities, and he has nothing to gain from either act. So without motivation the film has to rely on tension and suspense, of which there is little of either. It's dull and depressing, even a mildly shocking ending can't save it.

Ten Tall Men (1951)

Directed by Willis Goldbeck
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

A mix of Foreign Legion/Arabian adventure/romance with leading man Burt Lancaster. To save himself from execution, he agrees to lead a group of rag-tag Legionnaires against the native "Riffs". They kidnap a bride-to-be as a distraction, and spend most of the film on the run. Burt and the girl fall in love, despite their initial animosity. California locations make a poor substitute for North Africa. It occasionally stoops to slapstick comedy. The film as a whole seems long and is difficult to take as drama, comedy or satire.

Son of Sinbad (1955)

Directed by Ted Tetzlaff
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

This Sinbad is no sailor, but a lady-killer, and his sidekick Omar Kyam, played by Vincent Price, writes the poetry he uses to woo harem girls. The movie takes every opportunity to display beautiful women in as little clothing as 1955 Hollywood would allow. There are numerous "exotic" dance sequences. Ali Baba and the forty thieves are now the forty women, who live in secret caves in the desert and help Sinbad defeat the Mongols.