30 Is a Dangerous Age, Cynthia (1968)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Joseph McGrath
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Dudley Moore co-wrote the screenplay, stars with his wife Suzy Kendall and wrote the soundtrack with his band The Dudley Moore Trio, who also perform on-screen. How much Dudley can you take? It's a terribly dated comedy about Dudley's search for a wife and ambition to write a musical before he turns 30. It is overdependent on the "cut away" style of humor, the narrative frequently turning to wild flights of fantasy and overindulgent songs. It really starts to drag towards the end with a poor spoof of noir detectives that goes on forever.

The Wild Country (1970)

Walt Disney
Directed by Robert Totten
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Walt Disney)

Steve Forrest transplants his family from Pittsburgh to Wyoming. They buy a cheap, dilapidated farm and start fresh. They get help from old pro Jack Elam and his Indian buddy. They are dependent on a mountain stream for their water, which is controlled by a dam owned by a violent rancher. The law is summoned to settle the dispute, but meanwhile they fight it out with fists. If that wasn't enough, a tornado nearly destroys their farm. It all works out in the end, this is Disney after all, though it's surprisingly violent and features a real horse birth scene.

Charlie Chan on Broadway (1937)

Twentieth Century-Fox
Directed by Eugene Forde
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Fox)

Charlie Chan and Number One Son Lee are taking a cruise to NYC. A police welcome leads them to a posh nightclub celebrating "candid camera" night with patrons snapping shots left and right. It's not long before a murder is committed and Chan and Son are on the case. Photographs from the cameras provide crucial and convenient evidence.

The Family Way (1966)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Roy Boulting
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

British comedy/drama about a young newlywed couple living at home with the groom's parents. Burdened by a lack of privacy, guilt for losing all of their money for the honeymoon to a scam artist and inexperience, the two are unable to consummate the marriage. Months pass by and the pressure mounts. Neighbors gossip, the parents become concerned, his sexuality is questioned and other problems arise. Twenty year old Hayley Mills is gorgeous in one of her first adult roles, although it ruined her reputation in America and ended her career with Disney. Ironically, it's incredibly tame by today's standards, including many Disney movies.

Cave In! (1983)

Directed by Georg Fenady
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

The disaster formula was well established by the early 80s, and this TV movie follows it unerringly. A cast of washed-up all-stars gets trapped underground by a cave in. They bicker among themselves constantly, each person's story told in flashback. Just like in The Poseidon Adventure, they must make a long trek through a series of obstacles to reach daylight. One doesn't make it. Can you stand the suspense?

Popeye Doyle (1986)

Twentieth Century-Fox
Directed by Peter Levin
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Ed O'Neill's Popeye Doyle comes across as a combination of Al Bundy and a bad Gene Hackman impersonation. He wears the iconic hat and trench coat, has the same scrappy attitude, but it just comes off as a big joke. The location shooting helps, but the 80s music and fashions almost erase that as well. The plot has O'Neill and buddy investigating the death of a high-priced hooker. The trail leads to Middle East terrorists of all things.

Synanon (1965)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Richard Quine
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Dope fiends in California hang out at an LA beach house attempting to kick their habits. The Synanon House is run by reformed junkies and alcoholics, whose tough love stance with newcomer Alex Cord does not go over very well. He attempts to subvert the rules by seducing one of the girls, picking a fight with an old pal from prison or drinking cough syrup on the rooftop. He eventually leaves and the girl, played convincingly by Stella Stevens, follows, but life on the outside soon has him back to his old ways. It's surprisingly tame given the subject matter, and the music and slang date it badly.

The Brother from Another Planet (1984)

Directed by John Sayles
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, MGM)

John Sayles' comedy/drama stars Joe Morton as an alien who crashes in New York City. He is befriended by some locals in a bar in Harlem. He can't speak, but can understand English (and Spanish) and is able to nod effectively. He's got healing powers in his hands and uses them to grow a new foot and fix video games like Donkey Kong. He's fascinated by TV and drug dealers. While the film is entertaining, it seems like a wasted opportunity. Serious themes such as racism and drugs are presented but never confronted. Instead, we get silliness such as a bar fight with the "men in black", aliens who are pursuing him for unexplained reasons.

Charlie Chan at the Olympics (1937)

Twentieth Century-Fox
Directed by H. Bruce Humberstone
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Fox)

Chan pursues a stolen radio control device to Germany and the Olympics. He tangles with spies while Number One Son Keye Luke swims for the USA team. The mystery seems overly detailed, too many clues, too many switches, and the wrap-up unsatisfying.

Won Ton Ton, The Dog Who Saved Hollywood (1976)

Paramount
Directed by Michael Winner
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Legend Films)

Cameos by aging Hollywood stars are the main attraction. I caught the obvious ones but there were many I missed. Otherwise, this is a tired, hackneyed script set in the early 1920s about a director and actress trying to get their big break. A dog ends up being their ticket to stardom. Includes just about every cliche you could think up given that scenario.

Caught (1949)

MGM
Directed by Max Ophuls
My rating: 3.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Barbara Bel Geddes gives a stunning portrayal of a small-town girl who gets exactly what she wants: a millionaire husband. She even convinces herself she loves the power-hungry monster, played by Robert Ryan. She eventually becomes bored with their reclusive life in a Long Island mansion and leaves him. She gets a real job as a receptionist in a doctor's office and falls in love with the doctor. Still married and now pregnant after a brief reunion, she must confront the manic Ryan with the truth.

Images (1972)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Robert Altman
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, MGM)

The closest Altman ever came to a horror film. Although there are no supernatural elements, it's a creepy tale of a schizophrenic wife who deals with all too real ghosts from her past and present. Susannah York gives a believable, multifaceted performance as the stricken woman. It's not a complete success, though. Characters change identity, often in the middle of a scene, and when she meets her self on a lonely road credibility is just about thrown out the window. Nonetheless, it's impeccably filmed in remote Irish locations, with a superb soundtrack by John Williams enhanced with "sounds" by Stomu Yamash'ta. Complete silence and uninterrupted attention is required to capture all of the nuances.

The Cisco Kid and the Lady (1939)

20th Century Fox
Directed by Herbert I. Leeds
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

A better title would have been Cisco Kid and the Baby. Cisco and Gordito end up with a baby after it's father is killed by robbers. No opportunity is wasted for cute baby antics. In town, Cisco manages to ditch the baby with a local schoolteacher, not before he tries to seduce her of course. She resists, so he settles for a beauty at the saloon. The baby is soon forgotten as Cisco tangles with bad guys over a map to a mine.

Almost Angels (1962)

Walt Disney
Directed by Steve Previn
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Walt Disney)

Innocuous Disney drama set in the real-life Vienna Boys Choir. Tony is the new kid, who passes his audition and gets selected to join the rest of the choir at their lavish castle/school in Vienna. It's not all work and no play, between rehearsals there are practical jokes and pillow fights. Conflict arises between Tony and the oldest member, but when his voice begins to crack the two hatch up a plan to hide it. Unfortunately, the opera that is chosen to perform features most of the cast in dresses, not exactly helpful to the image of choirboys.

Roar of the Dragon (1932)

Radio Pictures
Directed by Wesley Ruggles
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Passengers from a stranded steamboat barricade themselves in a Chinese hotel. Richard Dix is the steamboat captain, a womanizer who is drunk and slurs the entire movie. Other captives include Zasu Pitts, perhaps the most irritating character actress in cinema history and Gwili Andre, whose make up and costumes are always perfect, even after days of no food or water.

The Boogens (1981)

Paramount
Directed by James L. Conway
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Most of this derivative film is just a standard monster-in-the-basement horror flick that has been done much better in the past. The setting is also a horror mainstay: a remote house in the mountains. Since this was made at the height of the early 80s slasher phenomenon, you've got dumb teenagers obsessed with sex being picked off one-by-one. The monsters are not seen until the end, basically dog-sized muppets with teeth, tentacles and claws. We get absolutely no explanation of their origin or purpose. The best actor in the movie is a poodle.

Tarzan and the Great River (1967)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Robert Day
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Exceptionally juvenile entry has Mike Henry's Tarzan traveling upriver with a lion, a chimp, an old sea captain and an orphan kid standing in for Boy. They pick up a nice lady doctor along the way. Together they battle the evil Barcuma, head of a violent tribe who is wreaking havoc on the friendly tribes and turning them into slaves. There is far too much stock footage of wildlife, even for a Tarzan programmer.

Tarzan and the Valley of Gold (1966)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Robert Day
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Mike Henry, former football player, makes a beefy but gentle Tarzan debut. He leads a lion, a leopard, a chimp and a boy through the Mexican jungle to the titular lost city of gold. They are pursued by a bad guy with a fascination for blowing things up with small gadgets. Obviously inspired by the popularity of James Bond, it's dated and cliche now. It's plagued by an overabundance of anthropomorphic chimp antics and stock footage of wild animals.

The Half Naked Truth (1932)

Radio Pictures
Directed by Gregory La Cava
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Carnival barker and professional scammer Lee Tracy cooks up a plan to get his girl on Broadway. Through a series of publicity stunts he succeeds in tricking producer Frank Morgan to let her star in one of his lavish productions. Once a star, she thanks him by showing him the door and fooling around with the producer. Tracy brushes it off and wastes no time in starting from scratch with a new starlet. More ridiculous publicity stunts follow but this time he resorts to blackmailing the producer to get his way.

Light in the Piazza (1962)

MGM
Directed by Guy Green
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Olivia de Havilland and Yvette Mimieux are mother and daughter vacationing in Italy. George Hamilton is a local boy who falls in love with Yvette. Mom tries to stop it, but the two romp around like pre-teens with their first crushes despite being much older. It turns out Yvette had a head injury as a child and though physically in her 20's has "the mind of a 10 year old". This explains the crying fits, bubble baths and fondness for stuffed animals. It does not, however, explain Hamilton's equally juvenile behavior. Well, Mom wants to get Yvette married so she can lead a normal life and this seems like a perfect opportunity. Dad shows up and expresses his displeasure for awhile but soon jets back to America. The Italian boy's parents seem equally determined to get their son married, and for awhile I thought maybe they were the ones that were going to reveal that he had some kind of head injury. Alas, it all leads to a predictable happy ending.

Charlie Chan at the Opera (1936)

Twentieth-Century Fox
Directed by H. Bruce Humberstone
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Fox)

Atmospheric Chan entry with Boris Karloff the primary suspect in a murder that takes place during an opera performance. Karloff is suitably menacing in his opera costume and is excellent at lip syncing the singing parts. The opera setting, both on stage and back stage, adds another level of enjoyment to the proceedings. As for whodunnit, a real tough one that I did not see coming.

Procès de Jeanne d'Arc (1962)

Janus Films
Directed by Robert Bresson
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Re-enactment of the last days of Joan of Arc is about as exciting as a philosophical treatise from the Middle Ages. While Bresson's attempt at historical authenticity is admirable, it makes for a rather dull cinematic experience. Florence Delay's Joan evades her prosecutors' questions with vague replies delivered in a monotone voice. That's most of the movie, except for the inevitable burning at the stake for the conclusion, in all of its smokey, religious symbolism.

Crack-Up (1946)

RKO Radio Pictures
Directed by Irving Reis
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Pat O'Brien is a friendly museum lecturer. One night he is abducted on a train and drugged, although he thinks he was in a crash. His attempt to solve the mystery leads him into a gang of art thieves. This Hitchcockian thriller has plenty of plot twists and turns, although O'Brien is not the most dynamic leading man. Claire Trevor is the romantic interest and Herbert Marshall a British detective after the missing paintings.

Safe in Hell (1931)

First National Pictures
Directed by William A. Wellman
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Dorothy Mackaill goes on the lam to a Caribbean island after committing murder in New Orleans. The island is a refuge for criminals because it does not extradite them. She lives upstairs in a cheap hotel, while downstairs bored lechers plot how to win her love. She's got a fiance, only problem is he is out to sea for months at a time and his letters to her are stolen. She begins to revert to her "old ways" after awhile and ends up committing murder again. An unexpectedly downbeat ending features Mackaill walking into the sunset on the beach...to her death.

Fort Bowie (1958)

United Artists
Directed by Howard W. Koch
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore)

Ben Johnson is a Cavalry officer sympathetic to the Indians. His new commander is a political appointee who would rather massacre Indians than talk to them. Johnson is also in the unusual role of lady killer, both the wife of his old CO and a local Indian girl can't keep their hands off him. The CO sends him on a dangerous mission in the hopes he gets killed and leaves his wife alone. The action is good, but the romantic melodrama frequently intrudes.

Hell's Highway (1932)

Radio Pictures
Directed by Rowland Brown
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Early prison drama with brothers serving out their sentence on the chain gang. Duke is the older one and has been there awhile before his younger brother Johnny arrives. The spend the day hacking at rocks, but Johnny is soft and ends up in the hot box, a metal cage in the sun. Duke agrees to turn stool pigeon in exchange for his brother's life. When threatened with expedition and a life sentence, Johnny sets his brother free but it turns into a jail break. The happy ending was literally refilmed after a better, downbeat one, and almost ruins the movie.

The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (1976)

Universal
Directed by Herbert Ross
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Watson is driven to intervene in the cocaine addiction of his friend Holmes. He tricks him into going to Vienna, where he is put under the care of none other than Sigmund Freud. Hypnotherapy is used to cure him of his drug habit, but along the way they solve the case of an abduction of a famous Viennese singer. Much is made about the similarities between Freud's way of deducing the unconscious and Holmes' way of solving a case. The film wavers uncomfortably between satire and drama, the prime examples being Alan Arkin's Freud and Duvall's Watson, neither of which are entirely successful in their characterizations. Nonetheless, an enjoyable ride, particularly the long set piece on a train for the finale.

Mask of the Avenger (1951)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Phil Karlson
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Diverting matinee fair with Anthony Quinn the traitorous military commander of an Italian village. John Derek comes to the rescue as the masked man on horseback who exposes him and saves the town from the invading Austrians, well at least the matte painting of the Austrian fleet. Jody Lawrance is the love interest, a pretty blond Italian gal.

Deep Valley (1947)

Warner Bros
Directed by Jean Negulesco
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Ida Lupino lives in a remote country house near the Pacific Ocean with her dysfunctional parents. She stutters and spends time alone in the woods talking to squirrels. One day she meets a convict on a road crew building a nearby highway. He escapes and they fall in love. He ends up hiding out in the barn loft while a posse scours the countryside. His temper gets the best of him and the ending is tragic.

Report to the Commissioner (1975)

United Artists
Directed by Milton Katselas
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(MGMHD)

Gritty police drama in the tradition of The French Connection and Dog Day Afternoon. A young Michael Moriarty is the rookie undercover cop assigned to hardboiled veteran Yaphet Kotto. Moriarty's character is a dangerous combination of idealism and naivety. He is told to find a runaway girl named Chiclet, but is unaware she is actually an undercover cop. He catches up with her in the apartment of a pimp named Stick. She is killed in the shootout, but Moriarty chases the nearly naked black man over rooftops, through the streets and into Saks Fifth Avenue. A long set piece in an elevator features a Mexican stand-off in stifling heat. It suffers from a predictable downbeat ending and an unnecessarily complex, non-linear plot, but otherwise a neglected gem.

Skippy (1931)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Norman Taurog
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

9-year-old Jackie Cooper got a Best Actor nod for his role as Skippy, the precocious son of a doctor who spends most of his spare time on the other side of the tracks in Shantytown. He befriends Sooky, a pathetically cute little kid played by Robert Coogan. It's like an episode of the Little Rascals with a budget. Sooky's dog gets captured by the dog catcher mainly out of spite for a broken windshield. Sooky and Skippy have a few days to raise 3 dollars for the dog license before the dog is shot. They put on a show, sell lemonade and pawn stuff but still come up short. Things take a turn for the morose when the dog is shot anyway and Skippy and Sooky must come to terms with it.

Thomasine & Bushrod (1974)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Gordon Parks, Jr.
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Encore)

Max Julien followed up the superb exploitation classic The Mack with this rambling, boring remake of Bonnie and Clyde in an old west setting. They ride in a classic car from town to town robbing banks, giving most of the money to the poor. They are relentlessly pursued by a sheriff, leading to the inevitable bloody climax. Disappointing.

Who's Minding the Mint? (1967)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Howard Morris
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Turner Classic Movies)

Dated heist comedy starring a dead pan Jim Hutton as a worker in the US Mint who decides to return money he accidentally stole by breaking in one night and printing new money. He needs a lot of help, and collects a motley assortment of comedy veterans for the job. The best part is the actual heist about half way into the movie which turns into a veritable slapstick comedy, everything that can go wrong does go wrong. They all wear a bunch of silly costumes and act their parts, for example Milton Berle is George Washington and Victor Buono a ship's captain. However, it's rarely funny and Hutton is a poor leading man.

Journey to Midnight (1968)

20th Century Fox
Directed by Alan Gibson, Roy Ward Baker
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Fox Movie Channel)

Sebastian Cabot hosts this anthology of two stories from a British TV series. In the first, dapper detective Chad Everett takes his antique car to a masquerade party in the country. He meets a girl who desperately wants him to take her back to London with him. As thunder begins to crackle, he leaves without her and wakes up the next morning alone on a country road. Was it all a dream or did he really travel back in time? In the second story, dapper detective Tom Adams is hired by an older woman to help her find a medium to communicate with her dead husband. He reveals the secrets of one charlatan after another, but little does she realize who is really after her money. This segment features a floating Indian head at a seance.