Altered States (1980)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Ken Russell
My rating: 3.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Warner Bros.)

Scientist William Hurt's experiments in a sensory deprivation tank cause him to physically de-evolve when he combines them with psychedelic mushrooms. One night he turns into an ape-human and goes on a rampage. In another session, he regresses even further, becoming a screaming mass of primordial goo. His poor wife Blair Brown and fellow scientists try to save him. It raises questions of philosophy, religion and the origin of life itself, similar in many respects to 2001, but differs in the resolution by trying to answer those questions, whereas 2001 did not. Nonetheless, it's an auditory and visual assault on the senses, and a film experience with few peers.

Godzilla (1998)

TriStar Pictures
Directed by Roland Emmerich
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Sony)

Bloated Roland Emmerich nonsense is a rehash of every monster and sci fi movie that came before it. Godzilla makes his way from French Polynesia, where he has mutated from a lizard due to French atomic bomb testing, to New York City, where he/she nests in Madison Square Garden. Matthew Broderick is miscast as  a scientist who is never wrong, Maria Pitillo is his lightweight girlfriend with aspirations to be a news reporter and Jean Reno leads a French military unit who wants to make amends by killing the creature. There is one ending just shy of two hours that probably would have worked, but then it goes on for another 30 minutes with a ludicrous chase across the city in a taxi cab. The escape from Godzilla's mouth has to be on the most jaw-droppingly dumb scenes ever in an action film. Michael Lerner as "Mayor Ebert" and his sidekick are an obvious nod to critics Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel, apparently in revenge for their negative reviews of previous Emmerich movies.

Too Hot to Handle (1977)

New World Pictures
Directed by Don Schain
My rating: BOMB
IMDb
(DVD, Shout Factory)

Cheri Caffaro's last film, directed by her husband, is a typical Philippine action flick. Cheri knocks off various bad guys around Manila in grisly ways, getting paid by an unnamed source, while the hapless police pursue her. She falls in love with one of the cops despite his suspicions that she is the killer. Marred by a barbaric cockfighting scene, in slow motion to make it even worse, spliced with Cheri moaning in a bikini.

Shutter Island (2010)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Martin Scorsese
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Paramount)

This is one of those movies where a character has a dream, wakes up, but it turns out he is still dreaming, wakes up, and so on. This gives the director free license and almost anything can happen, since it's all just a dream anyway. So, Leo is a police marshal who walks into an insane asylum with a new buddy cop. They are supposedly after a recently escaped patient. However, it turns out Leo has got a more personal connection to the island. The dreams start, there is a hurricane and then, wait for it... the huge plot revelation. If you've seen The Sixth Sense this will seem eerily familiar. It's good for one viewing, but afterwards I felt very, very manipulated, just like after The Sixth Sense.

Six of a Kind (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Leo McCarey
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Charlie Ruggles and Mary Boland take a cross-country driving trip for their second honeymoon, but paying passengers George Burns and Gracie Allen try to ruin it with their zany sense of humor. For example, at the Grand Canyon, Gracie causes Boland to fall off the edge and end up on a tree branch, oblivious to the danger. Later, they end up in a western town where W.C. Fields is sheriff. His pool routine is the funniest bit in the film, and Fields would do a similar one in his next film, You're Telling Me!, only funnier and with a golf club instead of a pool cue.

TNT Jackson (1974)

New World Pictures
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Shout Factory)

Jeannie Bell is a girl in Hong Kong searching for a missing brother, the trail leading to drug dealers. Stan Shaw is the muscle behind the dealers who decides to take over the operation himself. Pat Anderson is a cop whose cover is blown by Bell, threatening to undo her undercover sting operation. Strictly by-the-numbers plot, routine karate actioner by the prolific Santiago (79 directorial credits and counting).

The Inglorious Bastards (1978)

Capitol International
Directed by Enzo G. Castellari
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Severin)

A group of American prisoners, thieves, murderers and assorted odd balls, escape and head for the Swiss border. Bo Svenson is a disgraced officer and their leader. They have a series of encounters with Germans as they make their way through the French countryside. They accidentally kill an American special unit disguised as Germans but assume their identities. The French resistance movement help them sabotage a German rocket on a train for the finale. Episodic plot that walks a fine line between camp comedy and action, with poor special effects to boot.

The Old Fashioned Way (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by William Beaudine
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

W.C. Fields is an egotistical blowhard who owns a failing traveling theater troupe. Flat broke, he is constantly looking for a free ride: stealing train tickets, running out on hotel bills, etc. Arriving in a small town for their latest performance, he is up to his usual tricks. Meanwhile, his daughter falls in love with a wealthy singer, who turns out to be the only person with any talent. The plot comes to a screeching halt with a  performance of their play, "The Drunkard", which is purposely terrible, but still goes on far too long. However, Fields treats us to an amazing juggling act after the play is over. It throws a new light on his entire act: physical comedy which he makes looks effortless but actually requires substantial timing and coordination.

Firecracker (1981)

New World Pictures
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Shout Factory)

Beautiful blond Jillian Kesner arrives in the Philippines to find her missing sister. The trail leads to a martial arts arena where there are fights to the death. It is owned and operated by a drug dealer and his thugs. She falls in love with one of them, and they have one of the most ridiculous sex scenes ever filmed. Later, they end up in the arena of death where she pokes his eyes out.

Diva (1981)

United Artists Classics
Directed by Jean-Jacques Beineix
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Lionsgate)

Obsessed opera fan Frederic Andrei secretly tapes a concert of his favorite diva. On his way home, a woman being chased hides a different tape on his moped. It turns out to have incriminating evidence about a corrupt police officer. Andrei is hunted down by the police, thugs hired by the corrupt officer and some people who want his bootleg opera recording. He gets help from a friend who lives in a huge studio loft where he practices zen and puts together a jigsaw puzzle while his Asian girlfriend roller skates around the room. It's an interesting mix of hypnotic camera work, idiosyncratic character study and straight-ahead crime drama. Wilhelmenia Fernandez threatens to ruin it with her amateurish performance and terrible French, though her singing is just fine.

You're Telling Me! (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Erle C. Kenton
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

W.C. Fields is a nutty inventor who tries to peddle his "puncture proof" tires to satisfy the demands of his nagging wife and a daughter who wants to marry the son of the town's wealthiest family. His demonstration of the tire fails, through no fault of his own, and he contemplates suicide on the train ride home. He meets a traveling princess and they become fast friends. She visits him at his home, immediately improving his status with the town's social elite, solving all of his problems. There is the typical Fields' physical comedy, and the endless consumption of alcohol, mostly juvenile except for one classic scene at the end: it's amazing to see what he does with a golf club, paper and a pie.

The Towering Inferno (1974)

Twentieth Century-Fox and Warner Bros.
Directed by Irwin Allen
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Fox)

A gripping and somewhat realistic story about people trapped in a burning skyscraper and the fire fighters who try to save them. After the horrors of 9/11 it takes on an even greater realism, and McQueen's final warning almost seems prescient. It successfully exploits the natural fear of heights and especially the fear of being trapped in a burning building. It takes a couple of wrong turns towards the end, with an unrealistic rescue of people trapped in a scenic elevator and an ending that simply does not make sense, but it's quite a ride. I'm happy to report the cat survived, wish I could say the same for its owner, and all thanks to OJ!

It's a Gift (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Norman Z. McLeod
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

W.C. Fields' pathetic home life is depressing to watch: his wife is incredibly selfish, criticizing him at every possible opportunity. His daughter bursts in on him in the bathroom then completely ignores him. His son is a spoiled brat. Fields eventually has enough of it and tries to sleep outdoors. He owns a general store but is completely inept at running it. He decides to buy an orange grove in California and start over. The family reluctantly goes along, then abandons him when it turns out to be a bust. The best scene is when Fields is sitting on the steps of his shack, his car in ruins, his family walking away, but his dog loyally sits beside him. At that point good news arrives and he fulfills the American dream totally by luck; his family comes back of course. The comedy rarely rises above Three Stooges level, I was half expecting Moe and company to walk in at any moment.

Dial M for Murder (1954)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray 3D, Warner Bros.)

Hitchcock's screen adaptation of Frederick Knott's play feels stagy: most of the story takes place in a cramped apartment. Ray Milland is a husband planning the perfect murder of his wife, after he discovers her affair with an American mystery writer. He blackmails a forgotten college friend into carrying out the actual murder, while he takes care of the miniscule details to throw off the police after the fact. When the murder goes wrong, he must think quickly to outwit a Scotland Yard inspector and frame his wife. A couple of things bothered me. First, the "old college buddy" was too fast to agree to his murder for hire scheme. Some background on his character would have made it more believable. And about that key... perhaps Londoners in the early 1950s carried around a bare key with no key chain, and the inspector notes at one point that "they all look alike", but it still seemed like too much of a coincidence, especially for such a crucial plot point. Of course, the fun in a film like this is looking for cracks in the story. The 3D makes use of objects in the foreground around the apartment for depth, and is put to excellent use during the murder scene, but really is just as good in 2D.

International House (1933)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by A. Edward Sutherland
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Screwball film revolving around a hotel in China where people are gathered to view and buy a new invention called the "radioscope", or television. W.C. Fields is a lost airplane pilot, well really a "gyroplane", who literally lands in the middle of the hotel. Peggy Hopkins Joyce plays herself, chasing after any millionaire who happens to be in the hotel. George Burns is the house physician, along with his nurse Gracie Allen, doing their usual schtick. The television gag allows for numerous short musical diversions, including Cab Calloway's famous rendition of "Reefer Man", a creepy 10-year-old Rose Marie singing a blues number and Rudy Vallee crooning a love ballad. Occasionally hilarious, but also episodic, predictable and decidedly un-PC, particularly its depiction of the Chinese.

The Battle of the River Plate (1956)

Rank Film Distributors
Directed by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Hen's Tooth Video)

Somewhat of a disappointment from famed director duo of Powell and Pressburger. Sandwiched between a boring beginning and abrupt ending is a somewhat rousing sea battle between a fast, superior German "pocket" battleship and several smaller, slower British ships. Unfortunately the battle comes to a screeching halt in the port of Montevideo, followed by diplomatic negotiations that are nowhere near as interesting. It might have worked as a pure documentary or a shorter drama focusing on the actual battle, but instead languishes somewhere between the two.

St. Ives (1976)

Warner Bros.
Directed by J. Lee Thompson
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Unremarkable Bronson vehicle in which he plays a writer hired by an eccentric millionaire as a go-between to retrieve stolen journals with incriminating evidence. Bronson looks uncomfortable in his role, morphing into a private detective as the plots wears on, in stark contrast to his usual tough guy persona. He spends most of his time chasing mysterious people around LA, with little in the way of motivation or explanation. Jacqueline Bisset is the companion of the older man, but her character is underdeveloped and her romance with Bronson manufactured. The plot leads to an unsatisfying, unexciting conclusion.

Telefon (1977)

MGM
Directed by Don Siegel
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

KGB agents masquerading as American citizens are brainwashed to respond to poetry by Robert Burns to become suicide bombers targeting military installations. Donald Pleasence is the renegade Soviet hardliner who is awakening them to carry out their long dormant commands. Charles Bronson is sent by Moscow to stop him, with some help by Lee Remick, an American double agent. The script by the normally reliable Sterling Silliphant and Peter Hyams stretches the limits of believability. Motivations by all the principle characters are never fleshed out, Bronson makes incredible leaps of logic and Remick is unconvincing as a killer nurse.

WUSA (1970)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Stuart Rosenberg
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Olive Films)

Homeless and broke former musician Paul Newman meets similarly aimless Joanne Woodward in a New Orleans bar. He lands a job at a conservative radio station and they move into a French Quarter apartment together. Meanwhile, neighbor Anthony Perkins goes about his job as a "welfare surveyor", visiting the cities poorest residents. Perkins is an altruistic liberal, so when he finds out his job is just a sham for corrupt Republican politicians he begins to act strangely. Newman's employers turn out to be working with the same crooks, leading to an uncomfortable situation at the apartment complex. It all ends at a political rally that echoes similar events of the late 60s. As a result, the film is very much a product of its time and feels dated. It is difficult to empathize with Newman's character because of his apathy and drunkenness, which indirectly lead to the tragic, downbeat ending.

Portrait of Hell (1969)

Toho
Directed by Shiro Toyoda
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, AnimEigo)

In ancient Japan, a wealthy "Lord" satisfies his every desire at the expense of the suffering peasants. He falls in love with the daughter of a painter and makes her a concubine. The father pleads for her release to no avail. He begins painting portraits of recently killed villagers who have suffered from the brutal reign. Ghosts begin to torment the Lord and he shows signs of cracking. He asks the painter for a portrait of Hell itself, but the painter needs inspiration leading to a tragic fiery showdown. Beautifully filmed on indoor sets that resemble paintings themselves, including the outdoor scenes which take on a surreal quality. Perhaps a bit too literal at times, but still a scathing critique of unrestrained tyranny seen through the eyes of an artist.

Assignment K (1968)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Val Guest
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Sony Choice Collection)

Slow-building spy thriller starts out as a romance in the Alps between Londoner Stephen Boyd and ski bunny Camilla Sparv. They continue their relationship back in London, where she is promptly kidnapped. Boyd turns out to be working for the British secret service, although he has his own private network of operatives. The kidnappers want their names or else, while Boyd tries to rescue his new girl. There are a couple of plot twists at the end, one completely predictable and the other only marginally less so.

Windjammer: The Voyage of the Christian Radich (1958)

National Theatres
Directed by Bill Colleran, Louis De Rochemont
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Flicker Alley)

Norwegian teenage boys are selected for a year-long voyage across the Atlantic in a schooner. After learning the ropes on their sailing ship, they spend their shore time exploring the local culture of Portugal and the Caribbean. There is plenty of singing and folk dancing on display, perhaps a little too much: by the last calypso song in Trinidad I was hoping for a change of pace. After the intermission, they sail up the east coast of the US to New York City. One of the best scenes takes place during an excursion to Philadelphia with a ride on a fire truck which makes excellent use of the widescreen format as it tears through the narrow downtown streets. Later, the cameras are placed on the bow of a navy submarine for more spectacular widescreen shots. Although it feels like an attraction at the Norway pavilion in EPCOT, it's still great fun, especially on large screen home set-ups.

We're Not Dressing (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Norman Taurog
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Mindless hokum from Bing and company, stranded on a desert island with Carole Lombard. It's loosely based on the Admiral Crichton story, the characters even reference it, but it's all just an excuse for unmemorable songs by Bing and harmless lovemaking with Lombard. Comedy relief is provided by a bear on roller skates (actually a kid in a bear suit) and Burns and Allen; I preferred the bear.

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 4 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Paramount/Warner Bros.)

Cecil B. DeMille brought together all of his past experiences for his final film and made the ultimate Biblical epic. The first half tells the story of Moses from his birth as a child of Hebrew slaves to his ascension to the prince of Egypt. While it occasionally gets bogged down in palatial intrigue, it's always at the service of moving the story forward. By comparison, the second half moves at a lightning pace, with a series of now-classic scenes highlighted by the parting of the Red Sea. However, my favorite scene has always been one of nightmares: the green mist of death that crawls through the city taking the lives of the first born of Egypt.

I'm No Angel (1933)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Wesley Ruggles
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Mae West gets promoted from circus sideshow act to the main attraction when she makes a deal with the owner for a wad of cash. She becomes a lion tamer with a gimmick: sticking her head in its mouth, which is shown with a hilariously bad special effect. All the while men come and go in her life, until she meets millionaire Cary Grant, who has a permanent grin on his face. Their engagement is broken when he finds an old lover in her apartment. It all works out after a climactic trial. This is essentially a Mae West vanity piece, she wrote the story and dialogue, which features her trademark asides loaded with sexual innuendo.

Blonde Venus (1932)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Josef von Sternberg
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Marlene Dietrich marries Herbert Marshall after he spies her swimming naked in a German lake. They raise a child in a small NYC apartment where he works as a chemist. Unfortunately his work has poisoned him and must go to Europe for a cure. While away, she works to pay for it, but unexpectedly falls in love with millionaire Cary Grant. He returns early and discovers her affair. She goes on the run with their child, but he eventually catches up to her and takes him away. She becomes destitute, only to find stardom in a Paris cabaret. Grant shows up again and they return to NYC to face her husband and reclaim her child. Moodily photographed by Bert Glennon, who also worked with John Ford and Cecil B. DeMille: there are several stunningly composed portraits of Dietrich. However, the melodramatic story asks too much. It receives an automatic rating deduction for a man in an ape suit, though in this case it's a woman in an ape suit.

Night After Night (1932)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Archie Mayo
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Reformed gangster George Raft is the wealthy owner of a big city speakeasy. He falls in love with high society girl Constance Cummings and tries to impress her with his vocabulary and knowledge of world politics. His old girlfriend Mae West shows up and exposes his real personality. Undaunted, he shows up at Cummings' apartment to ask her to marry him, only to discover her real personality is even worse than his own. A change of heart in the final scene is both hurried and unconvincing.

Man of the World (1931)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Richard Wallace
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

William Powell runs an extortion scam in Paris by threatening to publish scandalous stories about wealthy visiting Americans unless he is paid. He falls in love with the daughter of his latest victim, causing him to reexamine his life. Despite a real life romance, there is little chemistry between Powell and Carole Lombard, who fails to inspire him to change his ways.

Morocco (1930)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Josef von Sternberg
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Displaced vaudevillian Marlene Dietrich warbles French ditties in a Moroccan cafe while wearing a tuxedo. She goes into the audience and kisses a girl. This must have shocked audiences in 1930. Lady killer Gary Cooper, who has women literally draped on him at all times, meets her backstage after exchanging glances during her performance. They supposedly fall in love, though he has trouble with commitment. Meanwhile the wealthy Adolphe Menjou provides a nice alternative, showering her with jewelry and clothes. When Cooper is injured on a mission with his French Legionnaire unit, she rushes to find him in the hospital, although it turns out he wasn't hurt after all. She must decide between the two men, leading to a memorable final shot of the desert. 

The Elusive Corporal (1962)

Pathé Consortium (France)
Directed by Jean Renoir
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Lionsgate)

French POWs are shuffled around by their German captors in the final days of WWII. They make occasional attempts at escape, but their poor planning always gets them recaptured. They spend their time pining for the good old days in France, reminiscing about wives, jobs or farm life. They are given a relatively large amount of freedom for POWS, including a funny trip to the dentist. However, the situation does turn deadly during one botched escape. It's an odd mixture of comedy and prison-camp drama, filmed almost entirely on overcast, gray days with frequent fog. It compares poorly with Renoir's earlier, and seminal, work The Grand Illusion, also set in a German prison camp.

Mr. Moto Takes a Vacation (1939)

Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Directed by Norman Foster
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Fox)

Peter Lorre's last, and I dare say best, Mr. Moto mystery adventure. He's in Egypt where an archaeologist uncovers the crown of the Queen of Sheba. They put it on display in a museum in San Francisco, where a criminal mastermind attempts to steal it. Brisk pace and good atmosphere make this one very watchable, although a bumbling British sidekick detective ratchets down the intelligence quotient whenever he makes an appearance.

Le Testament du Docteur Cordelier (1959)

Directed by Jean Renoir
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Lionsgate)

Taking a page from Alfred Hitchcock, Renoir introduces the "movie" on his television show, "Jean Renoir Presents". The first scene is a guy in a very large suit, with shaggy hair and eyebrows, strutting down the street with a cane. He comes across a little girl walking by herself and attacks her. The whole thing is watched from a nearby balcony by a lawyer. The man is followed to the residence of one Dr. Cordelier, a friend of the lawyer, who tries to explain the whole thing away as an escaped mental patient living in a shack behind his house. More attacks follow, equally hilarious, such as when the "mad man" starts pinching butts and lifting skirts of unsuspecting women in broad daylight, and escapes each time. Cordelier is finally cornered by his lawyer friend and the whole thing is explained in a long flashback. I thought surely this must be a comedy, but no, it's a dreadfully serious affair complete with philosophical musings on the nature of evil and the soul. As a comedy, it's brilliant, but as a drama it's a complete failure, with poorly drawn characters and overacting.

Danger Island (1939)

Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Directed by Herbert I. Leeds
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Fox)

Moto is in Puerto Rico to investigate diamond smuggling. He's got a new sidekick: a dumb wrestler who provides juvenile comic relief. It's all talk, talk, talk, and the action is ruined by an obvious stunt double for Lorre's fight scenes. A sure-fire cure for insomnia.

The Buccaneer (1938)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Olive Films)

Pirate Jean Lafitte is tempted by the British to help them take the city of New Orleans during the War of 1812. His loyalty to the American side wins him the favor of Andrew Jackson. Together, they defeat the British and save the city. Typical overblown DeMille saga, with Franciska Gaal as a young Dutch girl threatening to bring the whole thing down with her juvenile romantic antics. It is still just entertaining enough to be worthwhile, just try not to think too much or compare it to actual historical events.

Hollywood Hotel (1937)

Warner Bros.-First National
Directed by Busby Berkeley
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Musician and Hollywood hopeful Dick Powell goes on a date with a glamorous movie star his first night in town, only it turns out to be an impersonator. They fall in love, leading to some predictable mistaken identity situational comedy when the real movie star shows up. The struggling actors continue their low wage jobs hoping for a break, which eventually happens. At it's best when taking jabs at Hollywood high society types, but the musical filler by Benny Goodman and company goes on a bit too long. Nonetheless, lots of fun with plenty of Hollywood history to look at in the background.

La Marseillaise (1938)

RAC (France)
Directed by Jean Renoir
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Lionsgate)

Bland account of provincial French revolutionaries who band together for a march on Paris. There are many, many political speeches, all invoking words like "nation", "citizen" and "patriot". Their hatred is aimed at the aristocracy in general and King Louis XVI in particular. In Paris, they issue an ultimatum and storm the King's palace. Violence is at first averted when they convince the King's guards to join them, however when they get close to the King himself they find his Swiss bodyguards not so easily swayed.

Footlight Parade (1933)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Lloyd Bacon and Busby Berkeley
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Cagney is cast against type as the writer of "prologues", musical stage productions that are performed before movies in the early days of the talkie. His ideas are being stolen by a rival production company by an insider. His last chance to save the company is to come up with three new numbers in a matter of days, and he locks the entire cast and crew inside to do it. The dialogue is fast, the innuendo often raunchy and the girls barely dressed, all leading up to three over-the-top Busby Berkeley numbers. Borderline "so bad it's good", but no doubting it is fun.

Reap the Wild Wind (1942)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

This DeMille "epic" is derivative of Gone With the Wind: spoiled southern belles in love with men they can't have, with Paulette Godard giving a bad impression of Vivien Leigh. Instead of Georgia this one is set in the Florida Keys, but also spends a considerable amount of time among Charleston socialites. John Wayne is miscast as the rough sea skipper who falls in love with Godard, only to give in to jealousy and greed. Ray Milland is also miscast as the dapper shipping executive competing with Wayne for her love; you'll never guess who wins. There is a long court trial and a ridiculous finale featuring a giant squid.

Four Frightened People (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Ludicrous story of passengers who abandon their ship because of plague and then try to walk through the jungle. The men are sexist, selfish boors who take every opportunity to denigrate school teacher Claudette Colbert because of her homely appearance. However, things change when they stumble on her taking a nude shower under a waterfall. Colbert, realizing she now has the upper hand, overnight becomes an exotic beauty, complete with spear fishing and hunting skills. The men fall at her feet, and for the first time in her life she "falls in love". They eventually find civilization leading to a tacked-on ending that too neatly ties everything together. The only character I cared the least about in this terrible movie was the little dog, which thankfully survives.

Union Pacific (1939)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

DeMille strays from the Biblical epic, at least briefly, for this western saga of the building of the first transcontinental railroad. A rich banker hires thugs to delay a competing railroad with the hopes of making a killing on the stock market. The railroad hires ex-Union officer Joel McCrea to stop them. Barbara Stanwyck is an Irish tomboy who catches the eye of both McCrae and an old army buddy, working with the bad guys. Their romantic triangle drives the plot more than the building of the railroad. Things really get bogged down in a long Indian attack and train wreck that take up most of the second half. Despite the Oscar nod, the special effects are sub-par, depending too much on miniature models and frequent use of back projection. McCrae has never been a strong leading man, and this role does nothing to change my opinion. Stanwyck stands far above the rest of the cast with her sympathetic portrayal of the loyal, but mixed up, girl. John Ford's 1924 silent epic The Iron Horse is still the definitive film version of the story of the first transcontinental railroad.

The Crusades (1935)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Another story of persecuted Christians from DeMille, this time set in Palestine where Muslims have taken over Jerusalem. The strongest kings of Europe unite on a crusade to recapture the city, lead by Richard from England. On the coast of France, he is coerced into marrying a young maiden in exchange for food for the starving army, greatly upsetting a French princess to which he was promised. However, after he takes one look at his new bride Loretta Young he decides to take her along to Palestine. Make no mistake, the focus of the plot is not the crusades, but the love story between Young and Henry Wilcoxon. There is one good battle scene at the wall of Acre, but otherwise it's all mushy nonsense, with another unconvincing religious conversion for the ending, similar to DeMille's The Sign of the Cross just 3 years earlier.

Cleopatra (1934)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. De Mille
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

Laborious soap opera with Claudette Colbert as the Queen of the Nile, seducing hapless Roman leaders for her own pleasure and political gain. First, she easily manipulates Julius Caesar into her corner against his homeland, leading to his untimely death at the hands of Brutus and others. His successor is Marc Antony, while at first resistant finds that after a couple of goblets of wine Cleo is beautiful enough for him to turn traitor as well. The few battle scenes are actually just montages incorporating stock footage. Cleo and Antony's tragic ending elicits little, if any sympathy, and the whole thing just crumbles like Rome in an earthquake.

The Sign of the Cross (1932)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Cecil B. DeMille
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Universal)

DeMille's first epic talkie combines delicious Roman debauchery with deadening Christian propaganda. Charles Laughton and Claudette Colbert have a blast in their roles as the Emperor and Empress in Rome in the decades following the great fire. They spend their time eating, drinking, having sex and ordering everyone else to satisfy their every whim. Meanwhile, the Christians are hunted like animals, executed on the spot or worse sent to the arena to be fed to the lions. Fredric March, the Roman prefect with great powers, falls in love with Elissa Landi, a simple Christian girl. Their acting and dialogue is on a high school play level, absolutely dreadful. March's final conversion is unconvincing, even shameful, given that it was an act of selfishness, not of religious conviction. Yet the film wants us to believe otherwise, as if it were not in on the joke. A brief appearance of a man in an ape suit during the arena scenes gets an automatic rating deduction.

King Kong (1933)

RKO Radio Pictures
Directed by Ernest B. Schoedsack and Merian C. Cooper
My rating: 4 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Warner Bros.)

An enthusiastic producer of "jungle movies" picks up a homeless and starving Fay Wray to be the star of his next movie. They set sail with a crew of rough sailors into unknown waters. A map leads them to a fog enshrouded island topped by a skull-shaped mountain and lined with a huge man-made wall. They find natives performing a sacrificial ceremony, who set their sights on Fay for their next offering. Kong makes off to his cliff dwelling with Fay in hand, fighting off several dinosaurs, and men, along the way. Kong is eventually captured and brought back to New York where the producer puts him on display in chains. He escapes and climbs the Empire State Building for the famous finale.  The story, too often a hokey melodrama, takes a second seat to the real star: the stop motion animation by Willis O'Brien. As primitive as it may be, it has an organic quality that is sorely lacking in today's CGI-dominated spectacles.

Laugh, Clown, Laugh (1928)

MGM
Directed by Herbert Brenon
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Chaney and friend, circus performers, adopt a baby girl left at their camp. She grows up to be the beautiful Loretta Young, in one of her earliest roles. Chaney realizes that he is in love with her, despite their large age difference and his fatherly role. Meanwhile, Loretta is considering the romantic advances of a young, wealthy man. Chaney is a natural as the clown who makes people laugh on the outside while his heart breaks on the inside.

False Faces (1919)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Irvin Willat
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(YouTube)

The second Lone Wolf feature, and apparently earliest surviving as the first one is lost, stars Henry B. Walthall as the jewel thief turned spy during the war. Lon Chaney, in a supporting role as a German officer, is his arch enemy both militarily and personally, since Chaney killed his sister years earlier. Walthall walks away from the trenches to the British side. He's got secret papers hidden inside a small cylinder that earns him a free boat ride to the US, his home country. His ship is sunk by the Germans and he ends up on their submarine. He escapes while they are at their hidden port in Martha's Vineyard and eventually makes his way to New York for a final showdown with Chaney. The serpentine plot is difficult to follow, particularly on a print where much of the titles are illegible. Nonetheless, there are a couple of memorable scenes, such as Chaney racked with guilt seeing dead people swimming outside his window and some stunt work atop a NYC skyscraper.