Mr. Mean (1977)

Lone Star Pictures
Directed by Fred Williamson
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Code Red)

Fred Williamson is hired by the mafia to make a hit in Rome. He spends most of his time there picking up women, including the girlfriend of a rival hit man trying to kill him. A Williamson vanity project (he wrote, directed, produced and starred), he gives himself plenty of scenes with beautiful women while wearing only a Speedo. It is poorly edited with a plethora of continuity problems and just awful acting. What it does have, however, is an abundance of 70s ambiance that just cannot be replicated today, including a funky soundtrack (and appearance) by the Ohio Players. 

Joshua (1976)

Lone Star Pictures
Directed by Larry Spangler
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Code Red)

Arriving home after a stint in the Civil War, Fred Williamson finds out his mother has been murdered by a group of marauding bandits. He sets out to find them and kill them one by one. It's a basic revenge western formula, with Williamson giving his best Clint Eastwood impersonation as the "black rider". It all takes place among spectacular Utah landscapes with a moody, if anachronistic, electronic score. A nice change of pace from the usual low budget blaxploitation fare for Williamson. 

Free Birds (2013)

Relativity Media
Directed by Jimmy Hayward
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Fox)

A turkey receives a presidential pardon at Thanksgiving and is taken to live as a pet at Camp David. There he meets another turkey who is convinced he can use a secret government time machine to travel back to the first Thanksgiving and save all turkeys from their future fates. They are hunted incessantly by one Miles Standish and friends. However, together with his romantic interest and a determined group of turkeys they prevail by convincing the settlers that pizza is more appetizing than turkeys. Ludicrous premise is pushed to the hilt and is so off-the-wall that it somehow ends up working. I'm not going to say it's a new Thanksgiving tradition, but what other choices are there?

The Pirate Fairy (2014)

Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment
Directed by Peggy Holms
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Disney)

In Pixie Hollow, a talented young alchemist gets herself in loads of trouble by experimenting on the pixie dust that gives all the residents their ability to fly. Banned from her job, she runs away from the idyllic home, taking some of the powerful blue pixie dust with her. When her friends, including Tinker Bell, realize what has happened, they go after her. The rogue fairy has taken up with a group of pirates lead by Captain Hook, promising them unlimited riches if they help her produce more of her special dust. After succeeding, Hook double crosses her and it is up to her friends to save her and defeat Hook. Another in the seemingly endless sequels to Peter Pan gets lost in an overly complicated  and ultimately predictable plot. 

The White Buffalo (1977)

United Artists
Directed by J. Lee Thompson
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Kino Lorber)

Charles Bronson is Wild Bill Hickok, here a middle aged western legend haunted by dreams of a giant white buffalo. He travels to Cheyenne and then into the wilderness to confront it. He meets Indian legend Crazy Horse (Will Sampson) who has an obsession with the same buffalo but for different reasons. Jack Ward as Hickok's friend complete the strange trio. An unclassifiable film that is part western and part horror, but mostly allegorical. Dark, disturbing soundtrack by John Barry sets the mood. Kim Novak appears briefly as a saloon/hotel owner and Bronson's ex-lover. 

Walking with Dinosaurs (2013)

20th Century Fox
Directed by Barry Cook, Neil Nightingale
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Fox)

A herd of dinosaurs make their annual migration south out of Alaska. A young pachyrhinosaurus named Patchi, the runt of the litter, struggles to stand up to his older brother. When their father is killed in front of them during a forest fire, his brother becomes leader of the herd. Years later as young adults making the same migration, the younger dinosaur challenges his brother's leadership. He loses and is forced out of the herd, but later saves his brother's life leading to a reconciliation and happy ending. Impressive combination of CGI dinosaurs and live action backgrounds is let down by the dreadful decision to have voice overs for the dinosaurs. It doesn't work at all and the whole thing comes off as some kind of Discovery Channel show aimed at young children. 

Start the Revolution Without Me (1970)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Buy Yorkin
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland play two sets of twins switched at birth: one aristocratic and the other peasants. It is set during the French Revolution (1789 to be specific, a date you won't soon forget after seeing the movie), so the peasants are revolting and the aristocrats are on the run. There is no plot, just a stream of unrelated events that the actors try to milk for as much comedy as possible. It barely got a chuckle out of me, and I love Monty Python and all things Mel Brooks, to which this has a passing resemblance. 

Clifford's Really Big Movie (2004)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Robert Ramirez
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Clifford, a giant red dog, runs away from home because he thinks he is a burden to his owners. Along with a couple of normal-sized dog pals, they joint a traveling circus show who needs his help to survive. He immediately becomes the star of the "amazing animal show", much to the ire of the former star ferret. He convinces the troupe to enter a contest for a lifetime supply of dog food, which would solve his problem back home. They win, but Clifford is dognapped by the owner before he can get back home. His new friends help him escape and reunite him with his family. Surprisingly entertaining animated kids movie, just don't think too much. John Ritter is the voice of Clifford, one of his last credits. 

Savannah Smiles (1982)

Embassy Pictures
Directed by Pierre De Moro
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, MVD Rewind Collection)

Two bumbling escaped convicts adopt a little girl who has hidden in their car after running away from home. When they find out there is a reward for her return, they contact her father and try to arrange a deal. Over the next few days, they become endeared with the girl and begin to second guess their motives. The police are eventually tipped off and there is a stand off near their hideout. Innocuous "family entertainment", but has a little too much gun play for my family. 

Slogan (1969)

Royal Films International
Directed by Pierre Grimblat
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Cult Epics)

Serge Gainsbourg makes award winning commercials but dreams of making his own film. While at an awards festival in Venice, he meets model Jane Birkin and they begin an intense affair. They drive around Paris making eyes at each other while pop music plays. She occasionally speaks in very bad French. His wife announces she is pregnant, but is fully aware of his fling with Birkin. They contemplate a divorce. Birkin tires of Gainsbourg and falls for a young Venice gondola driver. There is a messy breakup. Very dated and boring film only remembered today for the real life romance between the two stars. 

The Smurfs (2011)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Raja Gosnell
My rating: BOMB
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Sony)

The idyllic life of the blue smurfs in their forest realm is interrupted by their arch nemesis Gargamel, a human who wants to use steal "essence" for some kind of evil purpose. Papa Smurf and his close friends and family are transported to modern day New York City through a vortex under a waterfall, with Gargamel and his cat closely behind. They somehow convince advertising executive Neil Patrick Harris and his pregnant girlfriend to help them find a way back home and defeat Gargamel. Atrocious blend of live action and CGI with a by-the-numbers plot, filled with blatant product placement and advertisements for Sony products. 

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985)

Touchstone Films
Directed by Bill L. Norton
My rating: BOMB
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Mill Creek)

Scientist Sean Young disappears into the African jungle with her husband William Katt in search of a monster they hear about from the locals that she suspects might be a living dinosaur. However, evil scientist Patrick McGoohan and the military get their first. They tranquilize a brontosaurus and intend to transport it up river so he can make a fortune back in civilization. The two idealistic scientists are stuck babysitting its offspring. Blatant King Kong rip off, with special effects even less convincing than the 1976 King Kong remake. Supposedly a "kids movie", it's filled with bloody shootouts and sexual innuendo, not to mention a topless scene with Sean Young. Incredibly it's a Walt Disney Production, though they wisely released it under their Touchstone label. 

Blood Feud (1978)

Associated Film Distribution
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Scorpion Releasing)

After Sophia Loren's husband is killed by fascists for organizing a strike of the local fisherman, she vows to take revenge on the man responsible. Visiting lawyer Marcello Mastroianni, a communist who idolized Marx, falls in love with her while taking up her cause. At first repulsed, perhaps by his freakishly long beard, she later warms up to him after he saves her from an attempted rape. However, she later falls for a brutish American mafia boss. The love triangle goes nowhere, with the plot from that point forward revolving around which man is the father of her baby. In addition to the aforementioned beard, Loren's face is obscured by heavy makeup around her eyes, another distraction in a film that could ill afford it. 

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1956)

Allied Artists
Directed by Jean Delannoy
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Miramax)

Anthony Quinn is Quasimodo and Gina Lollobrigida the gypsy Esmeralda in the first French version of the famous Victor Hugo novel and the most faithful adaptation. The story is familiar by now: Esmeralda is accused of murder and is given refuge in Notre Dame cathedral by Quasimodo. He is in love with her, but it is unrequited due to his grotesque features. She is in love with a womanizing soldier, while a cleric at the cathedral is in love with her. It all comes to a head in the dramatic finale. Unfortunately the film seems to flounder in epic excesses: the Carnival of Fools scene goes on far too long, as does Gina's seductive dance. Quinn overacts as usual and his makeup is ineffective. While it may not live up to expectations, it is good escapist entertainment, just not what Hugo may have intended. 

The Land Before Time (1988)

Universal Pictures
Directed by Don Bluth
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Universal)

A large dinosaur saves her only child and some of his friends from an attack, but is fatally wounded in the process. Later, an earthquake separates the young dinosaurs from the main herd. They decide to carry on towards the "Great Valley", a paradise filled with food and safety. They are guided by the spirit of the dead mother and must overcome several obstacles along the way by learning to work together. Another handsome animated production from Don Bluth, with a quality story from executive producers Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. It spawned endless sequels and a TV series, which may have been Spielberg and Lucas's intentions all along.

Sky Riders (1976)

Twentieth Century-Fox Films
Directed by Douglas Hickox
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, 101 Films)

The wife and children of an American millionaire are kidnapped by a terrorist group in Greece. They take the prisoners to an abandoned mountaintop monastery and demand a ransom. The police are called in but are mostly inept. James Coburn, the father of one of the children, comes to the rescue by hiring a group of hang gliders and joining them in a dramatic rescue. Fantastic location shooting in Greece, especially effective during the hang gliding sequences, propel the otherwise routine kidnapping plot. The Greek-flavored soundtrack by Jerry Goldsmith is also quite good. 

Inferno (1953)

Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Directed by Roy Ward Baker
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray 3D, Panamint Cinema)

Adultress Rhonda Fleming and her hot shot boyfriend abandon her husband in the Mojave Desert after suffering a broken leg. They mislead the authorities as to his location and hope for rain to hide their tracks. Her husband proves to be more resourceful and determined than they anticipated and manages to find food and water in the harsh environment. When the police abandon their search, her boyfriend flies his private plane out just to make sure, and finds he is still alive. Fleming accompanies him to the desert to finish the job, but their final confrontation goes any way but planned. Enjoyable little B thriller shot in 3D, where the cacti leap out of the screen, but not much else. 

FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Directed by Bill Kroyer
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Fox)

A fairy named Crysta is not afraid to explore beyond the conventional boundaries of her rain forest home and she discovers a world beyond it. Unfortunately she also finds humans bent on its destruction. She saves a young driver of a land clearing machine by shrinking him down to fairy size. He learns about their lives and soon sees the error of his ways, while Crysta falls in love. They  must work together to save the rain forest and stop the machines. Obvious story bolstered by positive environmental message. Hand drawn animation is "enhanced" by CGI for some of the more complex scenes. 

Something Creeping in the Dark (1971)

Joseph Green Pictures

Directed by Mario Colucci

My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4

IMDb Wikipedia

(DVD, Video Dimensions)

A couple of police officers after escaped convict Farley Granger are forced to take refuge from a storm in a nearby mansion. In addition to their prisoner, they take along some stranded motorists. The mansion is inhabited by the usual butler and caretaker, but the owner only appears during a seance. Her ghostly presence, seen only in point-of-view camerawork, brings out the worst in everyone. The bickering married couple resorts to murder and an innocent doctor's assistant seduces her boss. Meanwhile, Granger escapes and becomes the number one suspect. Weak variation of the standard Ten Little Indians eventually succumbs to all of its tropes, although the atmosphere does help, as does the presence of Mia Genberg as the seductress assistant.

The Horrible Dr. Hichcock (1962)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Riccardo Freda
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Video Dimensions)

A respected surgeon in 19th century London spends his time at home administering an anesthetic to his wife and having sex with her, an act with which she gleefully indulges him. However, it gets out of hand and she dies, or at least he thinks so, since we see her wake up in the coffin as it is being buried. Years later, the doctor is married once again to a young, ravishing Barbara Steele. She is tormented by a mysterious figure in white who haunts their mansion. Meanwhile, the good doctor is up to his old tricks. She falls in love with his assistant, and together they discover the truth. Colorful Italian Gothic film combines Mario Bava with Poe-cycle Corman, but never quite reaches the heights of either.  

The Night Walker (1964)

Universal Pictures
Directed by William Castle
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Universal/TCM)

Barbara Stanwyck is unhappily married to a domineering, blind Hayden Rourke, who performs strange experiments in a locked room of their large mansion. He is killed one day in an explosion but she is subsequently unable to sell the house. She moves to the back room of a beauty salon she owns, but is tormented by dreams of a younger man, including a bizarre wedding ceremony presided over by mannequins. She consults her lawyer Robert Taylor who tries to help her overcome her fears. However, he's got some secrets of his own, revealed in the twist ending. Another fun William Castle production, it was Stanwyck's last picture, costarring her former husband Robert Taylor, written by Robert Bloch (Psycho).

The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein (1973)

Directed by Jess Franco
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Redemption)

Dr. Frankenstein is killed by a strange bird woman immediately after creating his monster. Frankenstein's daughter arrives shortly afterwards and uses magnetism to re-animate her father and get him to tell her what happened. Meanwhile, the monster has come under the spell of Cagliostro, a supernatural being who arrives every few centuries to wreak havoc on mankind. Cagliostro uses the monster to abduct beautiful women and bring them to his castle, where he kills them and uses their body parts to construct the perfect woman, which naturally he plans to mate with the monster to create a new race. If you can believe all of that, there is actually some decent widescreen photography on display here, and the mood varies from surreal, to creepy, to sleazy, sometimes in the same scene. I can't say I wasn't entertained. 

Enter the Devil (1972)

Sunset International
Directed by Frank Q. Dobbs
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Massacre Video)

A Satanic cult is kidnapping people and sacrificing them during the rituals in the mountains of southwest Texas. A sheriff who is running for reelection just wants to write it off to wild animals, but sends his deputy to a nearby hunting lodge for a perfunctory investigation, but he is mostly interested in the pretty maids. A pretty doctor of archaeology arrives to research her book on occult religions, and soon finds what she is looking for. She is romanced by the owner of the hunting lodge, who may or may not be part of the cult. Bleak Texas landscape is a good setting, but too often falls into cliched Satanic trappings of hooded robes and chanting, with little to no explanation of motives. 

The Night Flier (1997)

New Line
Directed by Mark Pavia
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, HBO)

Miguel Ferrer is a ruthless tabloid writer who is assigned to cover a story about a serial killer who flies into remote airports. He conflicts with a newly hired girl who also wants the story, and their editor sets them up to compete with each other. The story gets more sinister as the killer appears to actually be a vampire. Ferrer finally confronts him at a small airport which turns into a nightmare scene of a mass killing and zombies. Scathing indictment of tabloids, if a bit too obvious, with Ferrer excellent in his role. 

Happily N'Ever After (2006)

Lionsgate
Directed by Paul J. Bolger
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Lionsgate)

While Cinderella makes plans to attend the Prince's ball, her evil stepmother acquires the powers of a vacationing wizard. She uses them to tilt the scales of good and evil towards evil, sending all of the fairy tales into chaos, including Cinderella's. The stepmother summons the trolls and giants, forcing Cinderella to team up with her secret admirer, the Prince's dishwasher, to defeat them. Of course they do, and fall in love in the process. Predictable, uninspired "fairy tale run amuck" story, with Freddie Prinze, Jr., particularly flat as the dishwasher/hero. 

Fright Night Part 2 (1988)

TriStar Pictures
Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Artisan)

Charley, now a college student, has been convinced by his psychiatrist that the vampires from the first movie were not real. However, more soon turn up and they want revenge. He gets bitten by sexy vampire Julie Carmen and slowly starts to turn into one himself. Other vampires are stalking his girlfriend Traci Lind and horror movie TV host/vampire killer Roddy McDowall. They use their wits, some luck and typical vampire tools such as wooden stakes and sunshine to defeat them. It's all a lot of fun, with some surprisingly good special effects. 

Zambezia (2012)

Twentieth Century Fox
Directed by Wayne Thornley
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Fox)

A young falcon tires of living in isolation with his father and joins a group of birds flying to the mythical bird city of Zambezia. The city is located in a large tree at the top of Victoria Falls and strives to welcome birds of all feathers. The one exception are the scavenger marabou storks, who conspire with a monitor lizard to take over Zambezia. The falcon tries out and makes an exclusive group of military-style birds who patrol and protect the city, but his unconventional methods get him kicked out. However, when the lizards invade he is the one to convince the other to let the maribou's help defeat them. Colorful, entertaining animated feature from South Africa with a good if underutilized soundtrack of native songs. 

To All a Goodnight (1980)

Intercontinental Releasing Corporation
Directed by David Hess
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Scorpion Releasing)

A group of female college students decide to stay on campus during Christmas break. Their rich boyfriends arrive by private airplane to drink and have sex. A killer seeking revenge for the death of a girl at the same school a few years earlier knocks them off one by one. Strictly routine slasher with the usual quota of grisly violence. You will easily guess the killer's identity. Christmas setting is under utilized. Compares unfavorably to the similar but much superior Black Christmas (1974). 

The Reef (2006)

The Weinstein Company
Directed by Howard E. Baker, John Fox, Kyung Ho Lee
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Vivendi)

A young fish lives with his parents in a polluted Boston harbor. One day they are all caught in a fishing net, but he manages to escape while his parents are presumably swept away to their death (a rather depressing scene). He is taken in by friendly porpoises who later take him to a far away reef to live with an eccentric aunt. The boy, now a "teenager", falls in love with a beautiful fish but has to confront her bully admirer, a tiger shark. He is trained by a sort of ninja turtle, who teaches him to overcome his lack of size by using his brains. He does so in the final confrontation with the tiger shark. Lackluster animated feature suffers from a predictable plot and uninspired animation. 

Graduation Day (1981)

IFI/Scope III
Directed by Herb Freed
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Vinegar Syndrome)

After a high school girl collapses and dies after a track meet, an unknown killer stalks the remaining members of the track team. Her sister shows up a few months later to participate in the graduation ceremonies in her honor. A mysterious killer than begins to murder the remaining members of the track team. Potential suspects include the track coach Christopher George, the high school principal, and just about any member of the track team. The identity won't come as much of a surprise. Sub par slasher with one foot in the 70's (rollerskating to a bad new wave band) and another in the 80's (explicit, grisly murders).