Schlock (1973)

Jack H. Harris Enterprises
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Arrow)

John Landis skewers the caveman genre in his first film, an irreverent, low budget comedy that could have only been made in the 70s. Basically a series of skits, much like Landis' later Kentucky Fried Movie, with Landis himself donning the gorilla suit. It's filled with some hilarious scenes, my favorite being the parody of the opening scenes of 2001. 

Snowpiercer (2013)

The Weinstein Company
Directed by Bong Joon-ho
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Anchor Bay)

After an attempt to stop global warming backfires causing an ice age instead, most life on Earth is extinguished. A handful of humans are saved aboard a train which constantly circles the globe. Mimicking a social order, those at the back of the train are overcrowded and live in extreme poverty, while those in front live a priviliged life. Chris Evans plays a revolutionary determined to get to the front of the train at all costs. After overcoming incredible odds he makes it, only to find... Ed Harris looking and acting a lot like Hugh Hefner. Promising setting ruined by the preposterous ending, not to mention the poor CGI depicting the frozen world outside the train. 

Truck Stop Women (1974)

L-T Films
Directed by Mark L. Lester
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Code Red)

Claudia Jennings clashes with her truck stop owner mom and wants a piece of the action. The truck stop is really a front for various schemes to steal from truckers, not to mention prostitution. So Claudia teams up with the mafia to try to take over, but mom has some help of her own and won't go down easy. Classic 70s trucker trash shot on location in New Mexico, set to CB-themed country music!

Frozen II (2019)

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

Directed by Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee

My rating: 2 stars out of 4

IMDb Wikipedia

(theatrical)

Queen Elsa follows a voice into the forest, awakening spirits who threaten to destroy her kingdom. She sets off with her sister and friends to set things straight. They uncover a centuries old feud involving her mother and father. For peace to be restored, she is tasked with destroying a dam. Overplotted, confusing sequel designed more to sell toys than make a coherent movie. Did you really think they would let Olaf die?

The Amazing Captain Nemo (1978)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Alex March and Paul Stader
My rating: BOMB
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Jose Ferrer plays Captain Nemo, who put himself in cryogenic hibernation and is awakened 100 years later by divers with the US government. They enlist his help to stop mad scientist Burgess Meredith, who is blackmailing the President with a ray gun. Nemo takes them to the lost city of Atlantis where he convinces the hapless residents to help after they are attacked by Meredith as well. Tries to be an underwater Star Wars, with laser shoot outs, a poor Darth Vader imitation and a tunnel that almost exactly looks like the one at the beginning of the first Star Wars movie where Leia is rescued. Meredith is ridiculous and Ferrer wooden. Edited from a three hour mini-series, which only further confuses the plot. 

Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)

Paramount Pictures
Directed by Rob Letterman and Conrad Vernon
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Paramount)

A wedding ceremony is interrupted by a meteorite which crashes on the bride. She survives, but begins to glow green and grows to gigantic size. She is captured by the government and sent to a holding facility where she lives with other monsters. They gain their freedom by agreeing to confront an alien robot which has come to reclaim the meteorite, which is really a prized energy source. They defeat the robot, but after a brief taste of freedom are called into action again to defeat the powerful alien leader who comes looking for his robot. Pretty entertaining as far as these things go, but also loud with one too many endings. 

Fort Yuma Gold (1966)

Directed by Giorgio Ferroni
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Mill Creek)

In the waning days of the American Civil War, southerner Giuliano Gemma is released from a northern prison in order guide a troop to a fort and warn them of an impending attack. However, nothing is as it seems as everyone involved has ulterior motives. Along the trek to the fort he encounters the usual spaghetti western scenarios, including a long bar fight, a saloon girl he falls in love with, and being staked out in the sun with his eyes forced open. He survives it all and even manages to break up the plan to steal the gold at the fort. Entertaining if highly improbable, with Spain standing in nicely for the American west. The Morricone soundtrack is stolen from another film. 

A Boy Named Charlie Brown (1969)

National General Pictures
Directed by Bill Melendez
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Paramount)

Charlie Brown, depressed about losing, enters the school spelling bee and unexpectedly wins. He travels to New York City for the national spelling bee with intense pressure to win again. He is given Linus' blanket for good luck, but Linus misses it so much that he travels with Snoopy to get it back. They watch Charlie Brown in the contest, and he loses in the final round. Dejected, they go home to deal with the fall out and find that nothing really changed. The first Peanuts film is the best, seamlessly bringing to life the beloved comic strip characters. 

Cross of Iron (1977)

AVCO Embassy Pictures
Directed by Sam Peckinpah
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Hen's Tooth Video)

Maximilian Schell plays a German officer on the Russian front looking for action to earn his Iron Cross commendation. He clashes with a war-weary James Coburn who wastes no time in introducing him to the realities of combat on the front. Coburn is injured in a successful attack and ends up in the hospital. While recovering, Schell takes credit and is nominated for the medal. Unsure what to do and pressured by Schell, Coburn leads his men into another battle. Schell takes the opportunity to abadon them in the hopes Coburn is killed, but it does not go as planned. Convoluted plot punctuated by trademark Peckinpah violence, in slow motion naturally, makes for a disappointing experience. 

Snoopy Come Home (1972)

National General Pictures
Directed by Bill Melendez
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Paramount)

Snoopy gets a letter from a little girl in a hospital who turns out to be his original owner. After a long trek with his pal Woodstock, including a stay with a clingy girl and visit to a veterinarian, he arrives at the hsopital. However, the visit soon turns to a plea for him to return to her permanently. Snoopy goes back home to Charlie Brown and friends and informs them of his intentions. There is a going away party and sad, and funny, farewells, an especially poignant one with Charlie Brown. Now out of the hospital, Snoopy arrives at her apartment building only to encounter a "No Dogs Allowed" signs which saves the day. Colorful second Peanuts feature, if a bit dated now with psychedelic-tinged interludes, sadly missing the music of Vince Guaraldi in favor of Disney-esque songs by the Sherman Brothers. 

Winterhawk (1975)

Howco International
Directed by Charles B. Pierce
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Shout Factory)

A Blackhawk Indian in 1845 Montana asks some early white settlers for medicine to treat small pox which has stricken his tribe. Instead, he is robbed and some of his companions killed. In revenge, he kidnaps Dawn Wells and her young brother. They travel across the harsh and beautiful landscape deep into the mountains to his home. A posse follows them. Simple story in a classic western style, sympathetic to the Indian point of view, with spectacular widescreen cinematography. My only gripes are the rather monotone performance by Michael Dante in the lead and the cliched use of slow motion. 

Cats Don't Dance (1997)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Mark Dindal
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

An orange cat named Danny travels from Kokomo to Hollywood to make it in the movies. Instead, he finds that animals are not treated the same as human actors. He rallies them to change the status quo by organizing a series of musical performances. Unsuccessful, they plan to take over the premiere of the latest movie by Hollywood child star Darla Dimple, despite her protests. This time they succeed in winning over the crowd, leading to bigger parts in movies and the fall of Dimple. Lively animated film, the only one produced by Turner Feature Animation, with Dimple in particular a memorable satire of Shirley Temple. 

Family Honor (1973)

Cinerama Releasing
Directed by Clark Worswick
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb
(Blu-ray, Code Red)

Tony Page is a NYC police detective following in the footsteps of his father, murdered by the mob years earlier. His mom and uncle constantly harass him to get revenge and find his killer. He stumbles on a mob hit man he believes may have done the job and proceeds to confront him, ultimately with a sawed-off shotgun. Gritty mob drama, but does not quite live up to the trailer which showed up on virtually every Code Red release for years. 

The Shaggy Dog (1959)

Buena Vista Distribution
Directed by Charles Barton
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Walt Disney)

Teenager Tommy Kirk mistakenly walks out of a museum with a magic ring. He reads the inscription which turns out to be a mantra which turns him into a dog. It delights his younger brother, who always wanted a dog, but infuriates his father, a former mail man who hates dogs. He changes from dog to boy at unpredictable times, disrupting his budding romance with next door beauty Roberta Shore, who goes for his rival Tim Considine instead. While a dog he discovers the Shore's father is leading a spy ring and helps the police apprehend him and breaks his dog curse. Silly Disney film may kindle fond childhood memories, but otherwise is forgettable. 

The Great Waldo Pepper (1975)

Universal Pictures
Directed by George Roy Hill
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Shout Factory)

Robert Redford plays a barnstormer who travels around rural Nebraska in the years after WWI performing stunts. Bo Svenson is his rival whom he eventually befriends. They come up with new stunts to attract crowds, leading to a crash. After recuperating, he joins a flying circus and helps out with a new wingwalking act featuring Susan Sarandon. However, she is killed in another accident. Grounded by the government and dismayed by yet another death of a fellow pilot, he goes to Hollywood where he performs stunts under a fake name for the movies. He meets a German ace and his wartime hero working on the same film. They decide to reenact a famous dogfight from the war while filming. Spectacular flying sequences are a definite highlight as is the period detail, but the violent deaths are a but unnerving. 

Flipper's New Adventure (1964)

MGM
Directed by Leon Benson
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Bros.)

Teen Luke Halpin runs away from his Florida home with his pet dolphin Flipper, after a new highway threatens to separate them. They end up on a deserted island in the Bahamas, where Halpin uses his skills to survive. He is soon joined by a British family forced ashore by convicts who have kidnapped their wealthy patriarch. Luke helps them survive incognito and falls for their pretty daughter Pamela Franklin. Their teenage crush doesn't really go anywhere and she begins to resent him when he foils a rescue. Eventually the convicts return and it is up to Halpin and Flipper to save them. Innocuous family entertainment stretches plausability. 

The Three Musketeers (1973)

Twentieth Century-Fox Film
Directed by Richard Lester
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Anchor Bay)

Michael York plays the young d'Artagnan, a naive country bumpkin but skilled swordsman, who travels to Paris to join the famous king's musketeers. They initially ignore him because of his social ineptitude, but soon change their opinions when he joins them in a sword fight. His affair with a local dress maker to the queen gets him involved in a ploy by a powerful cardinal to discredit the king. He joins the musketeers to save the queen's honor and earns a place by their side. Lively updating of the Dumas story with equal doses of comedy and adventure. 

Up to His Ears (1965)

Lopert Pictures
Directed by Philippe de Broca
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Cohen Media Group)

Jean-Paul Belmondo is a bored playboy who travels to Hong Kong. His personal assistant, one Mr. Goh, leads him to believe he has lost his money, and talks him into taking out a life insurance policy so Goh can kill him and get part of the money. This leads to a series of comic misadventures from Hong Kong, to India, Tibet and beyond. Tired slapstick set against stunning backdrops. 

Two Lost Worlds (1951)

Eagle-Lion Classics
Directed by Norman Dawn
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Image Entertainment)

Pirates kidnap the pretty girlfriend of a ship's captain. He goes after her, ending up on an island inhabited by dinosaurs. Poor adventure story, with dinosaur footage recycled from One Million B.C. 

Unknown Island (1948)

Film Classics
Directed by Jack Bernhard
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Image Entertainment)

In Singapore, an adventurer and his fiance convince a reluctant captain to hire his boat for a charter to an island supposedly inhabited by dinosaurs. A local drunk comes along, having previously been to the island and seen the dinosaurs. After a long voyage and near mutiny, they arrive and promptly see the dinosaurs. They fight and bicker among themselves and finally leave. More melodrama than anything else, with a boring romantic triangle. The dinosaurs may be the worst ever committed to film, obvious rubber suits, not even to proper scale next to trees. 

The Flying Serpent (1946)

Producers Releasing Corporation
Directed by Sam Newfield
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Image Entertainment)

George Zucco plays an archaelogist who has captured the legendary Aztec serpent Quetzalcoatl. He uses a feather from the bird to lure it to intended victims which it promplty kills. These include a rival scientist and another man who is getting to close to the truth. Shoddy special effects, the bird looks more like a turkey than a serpent, ruin what is otherwise a routine mystery programmer from PRC. 

The Gates of Hell (1980)

Motion Picture Marketing
Directed by Lucio Fulci
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Dark Force Entertainment)

Christopher George is a journalist investigating a death at a seance in NYC. While attending the funeral, he hears noises from the casket and rescues the woman before she is buried alive. Together they search for the mysterious town of Dunwich, on no map, where supposedly the gates of hell have been opened by the suicide of a priest. Strange events in Dunwich more or less confirm it. Their search eventually leads them to the town cemetery where they confront the dead priest and his companions. Overplotted, to be sure, but Fulci sustains an atmosphere of dread and horror for just about the entire film. The over-the-top, explicit scenes of gore, including an infamous head drilling, turn out to be a distraction and completely unnecessary. 

Mako: The Jaws of Death (1976)

Cannon Films
Directed by William Grefe
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Bayview Entertainment)

Florida fisherman Richard Jaeckel keeps a shark in a tank underneath his house. He brings over a girl, but she doesn't understand. She performs at the local watering hole in an aquarium with windows inside the bar. The owner and her husband, an obese and disgusting Buffy Dee, talks Jaeckel into selling the shark so they can spice up her act. It doesn't go well. Location shooting in south Florida is about the only thing going for this dated, improbable obscurity from director Grefe. 

Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965)

American International Pictures
Directed by Ishiro Honda
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Tokyo Shock)

Frankenstein's heart was saved by Nazis in Germany and taken to Hiroshima in Japan. After the atomic bomb, a wild boy is seen running around the streets. He is found and captured as a teenager. He starts to grow when fed properly, becoming a giant. He escapes when photographers blind him with their flash bulbs. Meanwhile, and earthquake unleashes a giant monster known as Baragon, who kind of looks like an armadillo with a horn. The giant Frankenstein gets blamed for the death and destruction, but he proves them wrong by beating Baragon in a wrestling match. One of the more ridiculous Japanese monster movies, but cannot deny it is entertaining. 

The Hillside Strangler (2004)

Tartan
Directed by Chuck Parello
My rating: 3 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Tartan Video)

C. Thomas Howell and Nicholas Turturro are lowlife cousins in LA whose budding prostitution enterprise is busted by rivals. They decide to take revenge on the prostitute who exposed them by raping and strangling her. Enthralled, they go on a killing spree that terrorizes southern California, where they are known as the Hillside Stranglers. Based on a true story and following the facts closely, this is an incredibly disturbing film. Howell and especially Turturro give bravura performances as the killers without a conscience. Ranks up there with Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer in intensity, but not nearly as well known. The material is repulsive (particularly the uncut version), but the performances are stunning.

A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Larry Cohen
My rating: 1.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Warner Archive Collection)

Anthropologist Michael Moriarty returns to his hometown with his obnoxious teenage son. They live in a dilapidated house outside of town and try to bond while repairing it. They clash with the locals, and soon discover its inhabitants are really vampires. They come out only at night, naturally, when the kids attend school and are set up for marriages at a very young age. His son becomes entranced by their society and Moriarty is unable to convince him otherwise. Samuel Fuller arrives just in time as a Nazi hunter turned vampire killer to save them both. Ludicrous, mean-spirited follow up to the much superior first film, with nobody to root for. Fuller is fatally miscast. 

Needful Things (1993)

Columbia Pictures
Directed by Fraser C. Heston
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Kino Lorber)

Max von Sydow arrives in a small town in Main and opens an antique shop. He peddles rare merchandise at low prices to the unsuspecting townsfolk, but always demands something extra. He persuades them to escalate petty arguments and feuds with neighbors and family members to violence and murder. Soon, the town is practically rioting, while Sydow watches and smiles. Eventually the sheriff figures out what is happening and confronts Sydow. Good, if unspectacular, adaption of Stephen King, taking small town gossip and paranoia to its logical extremes. 

Cujo (1983)

Warner Bros.
Directed by Lewis Teague
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(Blu-ray, Olive Films)

A rabid St. Bernard terrorizes the farmstead of a local mechanic. When a woman and her son arrive to pick up their car, they are trapped by the dog in the car. Unable to get out or call for help, they begin to suffer from dehydration and heat stroke in the summer heat and enclosed vehicle. The police eventually show up looking for them, but the dog takes care of the sheriff deputy. However, the momentary distraction gives the woman an opening for a final confrontation. Another Stephen King animal run amok story, albeit well made, with some impressive dog make-up effects. 

The Black Pit of Dr. M (1959)

Alameda Films (Mexico)
Directed by Fernando Mendez
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Casa Negra)

Two doctors make a pact that if one of them dies, he would come back to tell him about it. Sure enough, one of them does, but gives the other a warning that he too will die in exactly three months. Meanwhile, he must still run the insane asylum, where a patient disfigures an orderly with acid. While he plots revenge, the doctor falls in love with a younger woman, but she loves someone else. The doctor ends up in jail, falsely accused of killing the escaped patient. The real killer plans on confessing, but dies before he can. The doctor is executed from murder, but is reincarnated in the body of the real killer. The truth comes out, and the doctor dies a second time! Overplotted and melodramatic, but almost saved by occasionally stunning sets and oppressive Gothic atmosphere. 

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Paramount
Directed by John Harrison
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Paramount)

Creepshow-style anthology, with a connecting segment featuring Blondie singer Deborah Harry as a witch who is preparing to feast on a newspaper boy, who tries to stall her by telling three stories. The stories include a graduate student who uses a mummy to extract revenge; a hit man who has been paid to kill a cat but instead finds himself as the victim; and the final story involving a gargoyle and a broken promise. Well-made, with established Hollywood actors (Christian Slater) and writers (George Romero, Stephen King), if not terribly original.

Flesh for the Beast (2003)

IndieFlix
Directed by Terry M. West
My rating: 2.5 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Shriek Show)

Parapsychologists enter a delapidated mansion with a history of hauntings. It turns out that the house was once a brothel and is now haunted by some of the prostitutes. As the group explores the house, they are seduced and killed one by one. The lone survivor of the group, a woman, turns out to have a connection to the house as well. Shot in an old, abandoned building that provides plenty of atmosphere, as does the soundtrack by guitarist Buckethead. Plenty of gore and nudity, maybe too much of the latter as the film borders on soft core at times, but still a lot of fun in the right mood. Better than many other contemporary horror films with larger budgets. 

Ants! (1977)

ABC
Directed by Robert Scheerer
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb
(DVD, Direct Source)

Construction workers unearth toxic ants near a hotel. After killing a couple of workers, they set their sights on the hotel patrons. Construction foreman Robert Foxworth manages to get most of them out. However, he is trapped with the hotel owner and her rivals who are attempting to buy her out. The are forced higher and higher into the hotel to escape the ants. In the end, they have to resort to meditation techniques and allow the ants to cover them while breathing through tubes! Entertaining in only the way 1970s TV movies can be. 

Macabre (1980)

Film Ventures International
Directed by Lamberto Bava
My rating: 2 stars out of 4
IMDb Wikipedia
(DVD, Anchor Bay)

Lurid melodrama disguised as as horror film. A woman saves the decapitated head of her lover in the freezer, occasionally taking it out for sexual pleasure. Her landlord discovers what is going on, as does her daughter, leading to a violent conclusion. Good location photography in New Orleans. Ultimately, though, another disappointment from Bava.