Beowulf (2007)

Directed by Robert Zemeckis
My rating: BOMB
IMDb
(DVD, Paramount)

More video game than movie, this animated Robert Zemeckis film even has the gall to credit actors, though there is not a second of real life footage to be found. Filled with violence, blood, guts and heaving bosoms, it's all for naught since the rubbery animation completely blunts the impact. It's a cold, unreal world of motion capture technology, flawed to the core in the "uncanny valley". It is basically an overblown cartoon, full of pompous glory, a belching chorus accompanied with thundering drums, whose main character repeats "I am Beowulf, see me roar!" There is not one but two "monsters", Grendel, who looks like the baby in Eraserhead, and its mother, a stylized Agelina Jolie who rises out of the water like Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Grendel is killed early on by a naked Beowulf, whose private parts are always strategically blocked from view. Angelina is not happy and takes revenge by turning into a dragon. People are saved at the last possible second from crumbling castles and high ledges, just like in a Looney Tunes cartoon. It's also in 3D, which means long, pointy objects are frequently thrust directly into the camera.